Picture My baby turns 10 months old in one week.

I’m not excited.

I look at the calendar everyday and count down how many days until she’s a year old.

I’m anxious.

Each time her monthly birthday approaches I feel sick, and searching for a magic wand to freeze time has proved unrealistic. It gets worse the closer she gets to her birthday.

While pouring my heart out into my journal last night, weeping about the time that has flown by, the things I will miss, the tiny baby she once was, and begging, once again, for a wand, or a time machine, or a watch that would keep my baby in a moment that I loved I tried to focus on the one I would choose and I couldn’t pick one. I loved them all.

Seeing her face for the very first time and realizing she was mine.

Listening to her snort as she slept.

The first time she rolled over…. and over.. and over… and under the couch.

Watching her figure out how to scoot and get up on her knees.

Her first coo and laugh – it brightened my whole world.

When she sat up for the first time, right out of the blue.

Crawling for the first time and then standing the next day.

Her first attempt and talking – “bu bu bu”

Her warm cheek on mine when we cuddle.

Everyday she discovers something new and I discover it with her. Through her eyes the world is brand new, harmless, and beautiful. She cries for the simplest reasons; hungry, tired, or wet. She doesn’t know disappointment, betrayal, homelessness, abuse, depression, war, anxiety, or any of the other horrors plaguing mankind. She knows her parents and she trusts us.

I want to freeze this.

I discovered it isn’t the moments I want to freeze but her innocence. I don’t want her to experience any of the sadness her world has to offer.

But she eventually will.

I can’t freeze time.

I can assist in building the self esteem and independence of a baby girl I L-O-V-E.

I will continue to experience the world through her eyes, its nicer that way, and every so often go back in my mind and remember the moments I loved that are “frozen” in my mind.


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3 Responses to Frozen
  1. Carri
    March 13, 2011 | 1:23 pm

    I’m so torn over this because I can’t wait for the first trip to Disneyland, the first bike, the first soccer game… but you’re right. They are so innocent and they only know what you’ve shown them and you don’t WANT them to know all of the bad things that go on in this world.
    We can’t stop time, we can’t keep it from them, and we can’t put them in a bubble. That’s why babies need their Moms to point them in the right direction and guide them along the way!

    • Leighann
      March 13, 2011 | 2:16 pm

      You are so right!! I’m excited for firsts! Bike rides, the zoo, the museums, and parties. But I grieve the lost stages. *tear*

  2. Sarah
    March 14, 2011 | 10:14 pm

    I’ve been thru this four times (my kids are now 9,8,6, and 5) and it really didn’t get easier. But I WILL say this… the stages you’re coming up to are SO STINKIN’ FUN! You’re going to absolutely LOVE it. And while it’s different than all those first year “firsts”… there’s this whole new part of your heart that grows to love them as they develop even more personality and (even!) opinions. Allow yourself a LITTLE time to grieve the end of that special time… but then, move on to the PARTY that getting bigger really is!

    PS, I absolutely LOVE the photo of you and your daughter on this page! It’s so cute!

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