Too Many Years of This

Another pound, the scale has been the enemy my entire life. But I come by it naturally, it haunted my mom too. Caring about anything but my weight wasn’t an option, that was how I defined myself. During middle school I was made fun of for it and in high school I was descibed as the “bigger” girl. Everyone said I had a pretty face. Funny too.
Graduation came and I went with my best guy friend, we were never more than that, I was the “bigger” girl.
How many times I starred in the mirror and hated myself, the way I looked, the way my clothes fit.
I wasn’t fat on the inside.
Jumping to get out was a skinny girl, but the fat girl was eating her.
Knowing this made it worse, I felt judged, it made me cry. Learning to eat well wasn’t the issue.
My college graduation came and I had never felt more comfortable in my own skin, but I was hiding behind my humour and obnoxiousness. Not only did I hurt inside but I was the biggest I had ever been. Obviously I had tried every diet, program, video, weight management tool, and pill on the market. Programs failed to work, or I did.
Quitting was easier.
Regular exercise was tedious and painful, not something I wanted to participate in. Someone would have to be crazy to continually put themselves through that in order to fit into the right jeans.
Then I got fed up.
Under the support of friends, family, and Brian I threw myself into a routine and healthy eating to get the fat off that has plagued me my entire life.
Visions of failure creep into my head everytime I stepped on the scale, everytime I looked in the mirror.
Without my daughter I never would have realized the importance of loving myself, being healthy for her, and projecting a positive self image.
Xanax also helps this.
Yesterday I was the fat girl.
Zoned in I’m now the mom on a mission.

This post is inspired by “The Red Dress Club” who’s assignment this week was to write a 26-sentence piece, fiction or non-fiction, with each sentence starting with the letters of the alphabet in order


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5 Responses to Too Many Years of This
  1. Carri
    March 20, 2011 | 10:52 am

    I’m proud of you! Having the support makes everything so much easier. And honestly, Xanax helps, too. HUGS!!

  2. Marjorie (XLMIC)
    March 20, 2011 | 3:52 pm

    I love your beautiful honesty! You might want to check out Balancing the Scale ( ). Becky is super cool and very inspiring, in my opinion 🙂 But it may not be your cuppa. I’ll say this, that pic of you and your babe is gorgeous!

  3. Dana K
    March 20, 2011 | 7:57 pm

    Wow – beautifully written. Thank you for sharing!

    (found you through Sunday Funday)

  4. meatlessmouthfuls
    March 21, 2011 | 10:18 pm

    Beautiful! I have put myself through all of that at one point or another, but now being healthy for my daughter, my husband, oh and myself is what motivates me. At (nearly) 36 I’m older than some 1st time moms out there and I want to be able to keep up with them!!

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