Surgery, farting, and Jack Tripper

Anytime I have to spend time in the hospital, unless I’m there to bring life into the world, I am struck with anxious thoughts.  Hospital staff strip me of my access to social media, my cell phone, and smut magazines and I am left alone with my own thoughts.

Dangerous.

My mind races between thoughts of my own mortality and farting while under aesthetic. I think about being 80 and laying in a hospital bed alone, no one visiting me, trying to shimmy into a pull up while I beg for a hug from strangers.

How embarrassing.


This visit to the hospital was no different. I was left alone in the day surgery room after being prepped and the thoughts raced through my head. I began to think about how exposed I would be on the operating table. Would they see my whole body? Were there going to be men in the room? Should I do some pre-op push ups?

In order to put myself at ease I discussed with a nurse. She put me at ease by reassuring me my vaj would not be exposed.  BUT, she forgot to tell me there would be men in the room and my boob would flop out on the table like a dead fish.

I was given some pre-op pain killers, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I do not do well with pain killers. I began to get a little loopy, a little drowsy. My glasses were taken away in preparation for the surgery and I was blind.

But I could still see him!

The porter.

Three’s Company’s Jack Tripper.

Through my drugged stooper, no glasses, hospital anxiety I saw Jack Tripper.

And there is no way he was porting me to the operation room! I knew his suave ways! I knew about his bedroom eyes, but I had no time for flirting with the 70’s.

My turn to go to surgery came Jack was no where to be seen and I was at ease, although the girl who took me down could have very well been Janet.

The next time I opened my eyes I felt pain, intense pain. I was groggy, tired, and confused.

I tried to focus my on an object to get a sense of where I was and suddenly my eyes found him. There was Jack giving me the sexy eye from across the room.

He knew I was vulnerable.

I let the aesthetic take over, and I gave into him, I have no idea what happened.

I can only assume the worst.

Jack Tripper stole my Gal Bladder.

 

 

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21 Responses to Surgery, farting, and Jack Tripper
  1. Lady Estrogen
    July 13, 2011 | 6:21 am

    Damn that Jack the Ripper!

    I am extremely amusing on the hospital drugs. I always seem to make the nurses laugh.
    I aim to please.

  2. Truthful Mommy
    July 13, 2011 | 6:28 am

    OMG! You had me at Jack Tripper. You frightened me at the talk of farting while under anesthetic.Great, one more place that I have to be afraid that a bodily function is going to get the best of me:( Flopping dead fish boob…I can totally relate ( damn gravity). I love that your mind 70’s porn style sexed up gallbladder removal. Damn girl, you can make anything fun:)

  3. MommaKiss
    July 13, 2011 | 8:31 am

    TOTALLY read this as jack the ripper. i’m so blond.

  4. MommaKiss
    July 13, 2011 | 8:32 am

    wait, maybe i was supposed to.

    also? when they take your glasses before surgery? SO AWFUL!

  5. Alison@Mama Wants This
    July 13, 2011 | 8:40 am

    Flopping dead fish boob!!! Girl, you kill me!

    I’m disappointed you did not report seeing unicorns. Though I imagine you’re even more disappointed, seeing as Jack Tripper stole your gall bladder.

    Hope you’re recovering well!

  6. Julie @ mamamash
    July 13, 2011 | 10:54 am

    Was he serenading you with the theme song as he pocketed your useless organ?

  7. Lindsay @ You Are Here
    July 13, 2011 | 11:34 am

    OMG you had me in stitches reading this…. I remember having these exact thoughts when they were putting me under for my tooth extraction.
    Well
    Not the Jack Tripper thought… but the farting.

    The Jack Tripper thing’s just weird.

    😉 xo!

  8. Rach (DonutsMama)
    July 13, 2011 | 11:34 am

    Where were Chrissy & the Ropers??

  9. Sandra
    July 13, 2011 | 12:14 pm

    As a nurse who did a brief stint in the OR and observed gall bladder surgery, I assure you, your boob did not flop out 🙂 As for farting, well, as a nurse who did a longer stint in a gastroenterology untit, we high five the people who let ’em rip! Loved this post girl!

  10. Kelley
    July 13, 2011 | 2:47 pm

    This made me laugh out loud! The dead fish-like boob. Ha! I also loved the image of you being old and begging for a hug from a stranger. We’ll all be there someday!

    Sorry about your gall bladder. Have you called the police?

  11. Leigh Ann
    July 13, 2011 | 4:44 pm

    Jack Tripper stole your gall bladder! Hilarious, friend.

    When I had my wisdom teeth out I was terrified that I would say something stupid to my super hot oral surgeon. When I had my c-sections, I was pretty much bare from the waist down. You lose your dignity along with the feeling in your lower half.

  12. Jen
    July 13, 2011 | 6:21 pm

    I know exactly how you feel. Last time i went in it was for a colonoscopy (talk about feeling exposed). This friendly faced man walked in and said to me “hi my name is Jack and I’m your bartender today and i’ll be putting you under.” It came in IV form not sorry to say in a cocktail glass- not shaken or stirred; no James Bond either, darn.

  13. dysfunctional mom
    July 13, 2011 | 9:27 pm

    At least it wasn’t Chrissy. She probably would’ve taken a kidney by mistake!

  14. Kimberly
    July 13, 2011 | 10:22 pm

    Jack Tripper IS a suave man. How dare him for taking your organ! Where was Chrissy though??

  15. Jessica
    July 14, 2011 | 12:49 pm

    Why do they have to remove your phone from you in the hospital? Can’t they let a girl have her social media to cure the nerves?

    Damn Jack Tripper stealing your parts.

    • multitaskingmumma
      July 15, 2011 | 3:07 pm

      I should have taken a smut magazine but I don’t read anything on paper anymore.
      I forgot how.

  16. Gina aka Slappy
    July 17, 2011 | 9:20 am

    I have heard of so many people lately having gallbladder problems. It just doesn’t sound like any fun at all! If it were legal, I would so send you a box of wine for your recovery. 😉

    • multitaskingmumma
      July 19, 2011 | 8:22 pm

      I love boxes of wine!
      So classy!
      LOL
      I could stay in bed AND drink it.

  17. MamaRobinJ
    July 17, 2011 | 10:13 pm

    Good lord you crack me up! If I’d seen Jack Tripper I’d just have given in. Take me away from here, Jack!

    • multitaskingmumma
      July 19, 2011 | 8:13 pm

      Wouldn’t that have been awesome!
      Sigh.

  18. Hard to Open | Multitasking Mumma
    March 9, 2012 | 4:05 am

    […] more the morphine, hallucinogenic, seeing unicorns and Jack Tripper […]

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