Pausing to look around I see the room more clearly.
My eyes are open.
The plush couch we saved for and took forever to pick out. The lazy boy I fed our daughter in. The cluster of family photos hung with purpose.
The rocking horse in the corner that was impossibly high but is now climbed without struggle. The basket of books. The beautiful bench that looks perfect in that spot.
A house filled with love.
I have been absent from this life.
Furry boils under my skin and attacks the one I love without warning.
Anxiety churns in my stomach and bubbles up my throat.
I swallow it down and push back tears of confusion.
I can’t control what is happening.
And I didn’t even realize that it was.
My eyes have been closed to the monster I have become for months.
It’s time to get help.
And I am petrified.
I wrote this a week ago. Please know that I am ok, just struggling. I have been to the doctor and am being referred.
I will disclose more when I’m ready.