It’s Time

 

Pausing to look around I see the room more clearly.

My eyes are open.

The plush couch we saved for and took forever to pick out. The lazy boy I fed our daughter in. The cluster of family photos hung with purpose.

The rocking horse in the corner that was impossibly high but is now climbed without struggle.  The basket of books. The beautiful bench that looks perfect in that spot.

A house filled with love.

I have been absent from this life.

Angry.

Furry boils under my skin and attacks the one I love without warning.

Anxiety churns in my stomach and bubbles up my throat.

I swallow it down and push back tears of confusion.

I can’t control what is happening.

And I didn’t even realize that it was.

My eyes have been closed to the monster I have become for months.

It’s time to get help.

And I am petrified.

 

I wrote this a week ago. Please know that I am ok, just struggling.  I have been to the doctor and am being referred.  

I will disclose more when I’m ready.

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30 Responses to It’s Time
  1. Alison@Mama Wants This
    November 29, 2011 | 7:59 am

    Oh sweetie. Thinking of you and glad you’re getting help. xo

  2. Lady Estrogen
    November 29, 2011 | 8:57 am

    My darling woman!
    Hugs and smooches. Glad you are getting help 😉

  3. Jenn @ Fox in the City
    November 29, 2011 | 8:58 am

    Ah shit sweetie, this just sucks. I am so happy that you are getting help. Despression just sucks so badly.
    Sending plenty of big virtual ((((hugs))))

  4. Alexandra
    November 29, 2011 | 9:02 am

    Hate to press like, but I do.

    I was feeling a HUGE return of symptoms in September. I went in for an exam:

    WHoda guess my thyroid levels were down?

    They were giving me elavil and I needed synthroid.

    SO MUCH better now.

    I hope the same for you, mama.

    xo

  5. Jessica
    November 29, 2011 | 9:02 am

    Just wanted to say that you have my support. Depression is rough. I know from experience. Good for you for realizing it now and getting the help you deserve.

  6. Alexandra
    November 29, 2011 | 9:02 am

    Left a comment, think it went to spam.

    We’re here with ya, mama…always.

    xo

  7. Ali
    November 29, 2011 | 9:28 am

    I’m sorry. If you want someone to talk to, let me know.

  8. Sweaty
    November 29, 2011 | 10:51 am

    My dear Leighann, thank you for your honesty. Please know that you have a lot of people–real friends–who care about you out here. Me included. I’m glad you have seeked help from your doctor, but if there’s anything else I can do, you know where to find me. Hugs, hugs, hugs to you, my friend.

  9. Amber
    November 29, 2011 | 11:04 am

    The first step is the hardest, I know. I’ve been there myself (and, many days, still am). Congratulations on taking that first step. *hugs*

  10. Julie
    November 29, 2011 | 11:05 am

    I’m glad you recognized it and went in for treatment! That’s half the battle.

    We’re here if you need us!

  11. Elaine
    November 29, 2011 | 11:34 am

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs. xo

  12. Paulette
    November 29, 2011 | 12:03 pm

    I have not the right words to say but a virtual hug is helpful, right?

  13. Kir
    November 29, 2011 | 12:20 pm

    the first step in any recovery is just asking for help, putting yourself out there and deciding that you are worth so much more than the place you are in right now.
    I’m so proud of you, I’m so sorry, I’m pulling for you and sending you love up over the border and I am here as a friend if you need me. You are So important and special and amazing, whatever you are going through keep going and NEVER forget that xo

  14. Jessica
    November 29, 2011 | 1:02 pm

    I’m so sorry you are going through this but so glad you are getting help. It was a brave step to share this here and I’m glad you did so that we can all help you through it. Sending hugs.

  15. Leigh Ann
    November 29, 2011 | 1:29 pm

    My friend! I wish I could give you a big hug and make it all go away. But I’m so proud of you for recognizing that you need to get help and taking the steps to do so. You’re so strong, and I know you will come out on the other side of this. You deserve to be happy. xo

  16. Amber
    November 29, 2011 | 1:39 pm

    *GREAT BIG HUG* I wish so much we lived closer. We could go out for some coffee and talk.

  17. katery
    November 29, 2011 | 2:05 pm

    aw, i’m sorry you’re feeling this way but i do know how you feel and you are definitely not alone. i’m glad you are getting some help, it’s too hard to try and get through it on your own.

  18. Kimberly
    November 29, 2011 | 2:57 pm

    You know how much I love you right?
    I’m holding your hand tightly through this hurricane…we will name it The Snooki.

  19. Rach (DonutsMama)
    November 29, 2011 | 3:08 pm

    I had no idea and I’m so sorry. I’m thankful you’re getting the help you need. That’s huge.

  20. Jessica
    November 29, 2011 | 10:49 pm

    We are all here for you and are sending you lots of support.

  21. Kimberly
    November 30, 2011 | 12:25 am

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. I mean that!

  22. She Understands Crazy | Multitasking Mumma
    November 30, 2011 | 4:19 am

    […] She Understands Crazy Written on November 30, 2011 by multitaskingmumma in Humour, Mental Health, Mom If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!I have been struggling. […]

  23. Carri
    December 1, 2011 | 11:34 pm

    🙁 I’m sorry. Depression sucks giant donkey balls, just like Anxiety Disorder.

    • multitaskingmumma
      December 3, 2011 | 9:59 am

      I also have an anxiety disorder.
      Double donkey balls!

  24. Galit Breen
    December 2, 2011 | 11:41 pm

    I just wanted to let you know that I read this, and my heart is thinking of your’s. xo

    • multitaskingmumma
      December 3, 2011 | 9:50 am

      Thank you so much my friend.
      The support I get from my blogging community is helping me more than anyone could ever know.

  25. Robin @ Farewell, Stranger
    December 11, 2011 | 5:09 pm

    Hi. I’m way behind after moving but am sending love.

    • multitaskingmumma
      December 12, 2011 | 9:11 pm

      Thank you my friend.
      I’m thinking of you

  26. Chibi Jeebs
    December 31, 2011 | 7:36 pm

    Just clicked through from your other post. I had my depression & anxiety under control for almost year. At the end of September, I started experiencing all of the things you described above. It was awful and scary and frustrating. I hope you’re doing better. <3

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 1, 2012 | 9:22 pm

      Thank you for visiting me!
      Anxiety and depression are horrible things to experience.
      I thought I had kicked PPD, and I have, but now I’m fighting a new depression.
      Sigh.
      But this is why I love blogging.
      There are other people like me out there.

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