With all of the
stalking letters I have been writing to Santa, and last-minute trips to peek in his windows speak to him about adjustments in his obviously flawed system, I forgot to talk to him about gifts that he didn’t deliver to me when I was a child.
I forgot to mention the emotional scaring.
Lucky for both of us I have comprised another letter, indicating my expectations for this year.
I know he won’t disappoint.
It has been so great getting to know you these past few weeks. I feel like we have developed a friendship and began to mould the perfect relationship, regardless of what the courts might refer to as a “restraining order breach.”
I am here to assist you, bring new ideas, and remind you of failed attempts at gift giving whenever you may need me.
That being said.
I would like to bring your attention to my youth; the precious years that shaped my future.
There were a few gifts that I had listed every year and waited patiently for. but alas, did not receive.
I know it’s not because you were unable to procure these items, I had friends who held them in their very arms on Christmas day while I was left shaking the tree upside down with the hopes that something was missed.
So this year, Santa my friend, I am looking forward to;
1. A canopy bed; pink in colour, with frills on the sides of the canopy. I would prefer a twin (I do not feel I need to explain this).
2. A play house. NO, my fathers woodshed will NOT do. I want a wooden play house made with love and a tiny kitchenette inside. The curtains should be chequered and open to let the sun in and I gross my fingers and wish on a star that there is a “Home Sweet Home” sign on the wall.
3. A telephone in my room. A cordless phone with the base attached in my parents room does not count. I want the jack in my room and the phone that is shaped like lips. Oh the hilarity.
4. A doodle bear. The forbidden art of drawing on your toys came to life with the Doodle Bear and I craved a taste of it! Oh the thrill! Send it my way!
5. To be skinny. Every year I have asked for this gift and every year I open my eyes and I’m left empty-handed. This year I am looking forward to your making up for years past! Feel free to fix my boobs too!