Confessions from a Crazy Person

The drive seems long even though it is only a short 10 minutes.

Anxiety fills my throat and threatens to choke me, making me contemplate cancelling the appointment.

Maybe I can wait until the new year.

My legs shake from fear of the unknown, from having to discuss my feelings, and from exhaustion as I approached the grounds of the massive hospital.

I never get nervous.

They are going to commit me.


Her eyes fill with tears as I attempt to explain my sadness.

Feelings of uselessness weigh heavily on my back and shoulders.

I want to tell her not to worry.

That the suicidal thoughts running through my brain are nothing to be afraid of.

But now that I’m a mom I know that’s an impossible request.

My heart breaks for her.

I know she wants to leap across the table and wrap me up in her arms.

She wants to keep me with her so that she can ensure my safety.

I would do the same for my daughter.


He looks at me in confusion and waits for me to explain my behaviour.

He wants to know why I’m seeing red, yelling in frustration, and unable to see the humour in a silly situation.

I want to see the humour.

I want to be normal.

He looks at me with sympathy.

The man I love.

Understanding, calm, reassuring, and strong.

He is my strength.

Because I am feeling weak.

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70 Responses to Confessions from a Crazy Person
  1. Lady Estrogen
    January 2, 2012 | 9:53 am

    When I told my mother, she said, “Yeah, me too!”
    Ack! Thanks for telling me! So it’s all HER fault. Snort.

    Amazing that we have support – it’s vital.


  2. Amber
    January 2, 2012 | 10:17 am

    This make me tear up. You’ll see the humor again. *hugs* Are you going to counseling?

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 10:04 pm

      I’m going to a psychiatrist.
      having an assessment.

  3. Shell
    January 2, 2012 | 10:57 am

    Sending you lots of hugs. xo

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 10:01 pm

      Thanks Shell xo

  4. Coffee Lovin' Mom
    January 2, 2012 | 12:07 pm

    Do you know how badly I want to jump through and hug your face off?

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 10:00 pm

      squeee… I’d love a hug from you!

  5. Ali
    January 2, 2012 | 2:13 pm

    I wish there was something I could do to help. Just know that there are people out there that think the world of you. You can call on me any time.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 10:00 pm

      Just you being YOU is helping!
      You are wonderful times a million.

  6. Kristen
    January 2, 2012 | 2:50 pm

    I love you and I am always here if you need anyone to talk to XOXOXOXO

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:59 pm

      Love you too!
      You’re the best EVER.
      Thank you for being there for me ALWAYS!

  7. Kimberly
    January 2, 2012 | 5:10 pm

    Sending you lots of love and hugs. I’m always here if you ever need anything. xo

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:58 pm

      Same goes for you!

  8. Miss Marina Star
    January 2, 2012 | 5:22 pm

    You can’t possibly know how telling you story affects other people. I am grateful to you for being so honest about your struggle.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:58 pm

      ACK.. The tears!
      Thank you!

  9. Alison@Mama Wants This
    January 2, 2012 | 6:55 pm

    If you need me, you know where to find me. I’m thinking of you, always. Love you. xo

  10. Kindred Adventures
    January 2, 2012 | 7:52 pm

    I have no words for you that will make this go away. All I know is that you are talking about it, sharing and you did the bravest thing…got help. So while this post saddens me deeply (to my core) because the beautiful, funny, lover of life, wonderful mother and wife is in there fighting. From just the comments it sounds like you have those out there that love you, are there for you and will be there no matter what. We don’t know each other well, but you can include me too!! {HHUUUUUGGGGGs} -LV

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:55 pm

      I know you well enough to know you are a supportive, encouraging, sweet woman that I adore! xo

  11. Elizabeth Flora Ross
    January 2, 2012 | 8:03 pm

    I’m so sorry you are hurting. I have been there. In that dark place. It’s hard to get out, but you can. And you will! It is clear you are on your way already. Keep fighting for it!

    Stopping by from The Mom Pledge blog hop…

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:54 pm

      Thank you!
      I have come out of the shadows before, I know I can do it again!
      So glad you stopped by.

  12. Teresa
    January 2, 2012 | 10:08 pm

    You described the feeling perfectly. I have ups and downs. I hate the downs.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:53 pm

      I do too.
      And during the ups I wonder when the downs will come back.

  13. Greta @gfunkified
    January 2, 2012 | 10:12 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have the support you need to come out fighting.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:52 pm

      Thank you Greta.

  14. Sweaty
    January 2, 2012 | 10:21 pm

    My heart is breaking for you too, Leighann, as I read your words. You described the emotions perfectly, I could ‘live’ them. All I could say is that I’m glad you’re seeking help, and that you’re surrounded by people who love and care about you. I wish you a speedy recovery, and know that we are all here cheering for you every step of the way!

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:52 pm

      Thank you for being in my cheering section Noodle!
      You’re the best!
      And I love you big time.

  15. Galit Breen
    January 2, 2012 | 11:00 pm

    Sending you what I’ve got. xo

  16. Robin @ Farewell, Stranger
    January 2, 2012 | 11:41 pm

    Hey, guess what? I love you too. Look at all that love and support! We’re here. Always and whenever.

    You need me, you holler. I work for WestJet now so I can come and visit you. 😉

    Sending you so much love. xoxo

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:50 pm

      You did all of this greatness.
      I have no words.
      Just love.

  17. Andrea
    January 2, 2012 | 11:51 pm

    Oh, my dear sweet friend. I am so sorry. You are incredibly strong and powerful, and amazing. Ah-mah-zing. I puffy heart you and I am so sorry you are experiencing so very much. Please know that you are not and never will be alone in all of this. We have your back, 100%. Now and always. Huge hugs and an open ear, shoulder, whatever you need WHEnever you need it. XO

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:47 pm

      I puffy heart you too Andrea!
      Thank you for visiting me

  18. Tracy
    January 3, 2012 | 1:00 pm

    I’m crying right now: both for your struggle and fight AND because it’s so familiar. Oh, I have been there many, many times. Please know you’re not alone. (Hug)

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:47 pm

      Thank you Tracy.
      I’m so sorry that you know this feeling.
      I’ll take that hug!

  19. imperfectmomma
    January 3, 2012 | 2:21 pm

    shedding a tear and saying a prayer for you friend. Much hugs and love.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:45 pm

      Thank you!!
      I’m so grateful to have your support and hugs!

  20. Trish
    January 3, 2012 | 3:13 pm

    Oh! Come here, snuzzle up on my comfy sofa. Hot tea and a cozy blankie won’t solve your problems, but maybe a willing ear will help. 🙁 With prayers for a brighter tomorrow….


    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:45 pm

      I would love a hot tea!

  21. Mark
    January 3, 2012 | 3:41 pm

    FYI, your blog isn’t Hunter Green and Burgundy. It’s light green and purple. Are you crazy? Wait, maybe that’s the wrong thing to say considering your post today.
    But you know that I love, right? Of course Right! Don’t be dumb!
    Happy New Year Friend.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:44 pm

      “don’t be dumb.”
      I love you long time!

  22. Amanda Austin
    January 3, 2012 | 4:47 pm

    Oh, girl, I hope you are getting some help for this. My heart breaks for you. Way too many of us have been there. Hugs.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:40 pm

      I am getting help.
      It’s hard to admit though.
      Thank you so much for supporting me. xo

  23. Shannon from 'mynewfavoriteday'
    January 3, 2012 | 6:37 pm

    It seems all the words are already here. Support, encouragement, hugs, and the things you need whether real or virtual that can try to carry the load for you right now as you try to claw your way out of the dark. So hard to be in this place, feeling this way and I hope your heart will feel even somewhat lighter soon. You are not crazy, just doing the best you can with what you have and the circumstances you are in. I offer you more of the same of the above and hope that it in some way does help you. <3

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:39 pm

      You offering what you have means more to me than I can write.
      Thank you.

  24. Ado
    January 3, 2012 | 8:26 pm

    I want you to know you are not alone. You know that, right?
    I also want you to know that you can contact me anytime.
    I don’t know if this helps but I was briefly on anti-d’s a long time ago and I had an allergic reaction (it was Zoloft). I am not a suicidal or depressed person but it made me both of these things for a 6 week period until someone mentioned I might be allergic and I read “Talking Back to Prozac” by Peter Breggin.
    Well I got off it and turns out I was allergic.
    I don’t know if you are seeing anyone or taking anything but I always want to let people know my experience with this because someone did that for me, and frankly, it saved my arse.
    Therapy helped me greatly too.
    Friends helped.
    I am here if you want to talk, ok? DM or tweet me. xoxo

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:36 pm

      I’m going to look into the allergy.
      I’ve been on zoloft for a long long time.
      Thank you for letting me know!
      You’re so sweet for supporting and encouraging me xo

  25. January
    January 3, 2012 | 10:40 pm

    So well written. I feel for you…and you are lucky to have the wonderful support system you do. You will make it through to the bright side.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:34 pm

      I am lucky.
      You’re so right.
      Thank you for your sweet words.

  26. Cookie's Mom
    January 3, 2012 | 11:24 pm

    Leighann, please keep reaching out. We are all here for you. PLEASE stay with us. The worlds needs you. Your family needs you. I’m sorry that you are suffering, and I wish I could make it all go away. Please keep talking about it. It will get better. Day by day, my friend. (hugs)

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:33 pm

      Thank you Sue.
      Your sweet comment made me weepy. Thank you for being the kind of person that you are.

  27. Kimberly
    January 4, 2012 | 12:34 am

    what to say…
    Know that I love you.
    Know that you are stronger than you believe right now.
    Know that you’ve got an army behind you.
    Know that you are worth it.
    Know that I will kick you in the taco if you don’t reach your hand out to me.
    And I mean that.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:31 pm

      You are one in a million.
      A true friend.
      There aren’t many people I can cry to in one sentence and then be inappropriate with in the next.
      You are the kind of friend I can inappropriately cry with.
      Face it Tiger.
      You just hit the jackpot.

  28. Jessica
    January 4, 2012 | 12:45 am

    Lots of hugs and strength to you. You will get through this.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 9:29 pm

      Thank you Jessica.

  29. Jackie
    January 4, 2012 | 12:15 pm

    I have nothing but prayers & strength to offer.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 8:41 pm

      That is perfect.
      Thank you.

  30. Lolo
    January 4, 2012 | 2:04 pm

    I was hoping this was one of those writing excercises — you know, where you write about emotions as though you were feeling them…? God bless.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 8:36 pm

      Thank you 🙂

  31. Dina
    January 4, 2012 | 4:18 pm

    This makes my heart feel heavy. I hope you feel like smiling and laughing again real soon.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 4, 2012 | 8:23 pm

      I hope that everything gets sorted out too.
      I believe that it will.
      thank you for your words and support.

  32. Tomekha
    January 4, 2012 | 8:44 pm

    *tears* *hugs hugs hugs* Know that u r loved, always, by many.

  33. Jenny Leigh
    January 5, 2012 | 12:56 am

    So powerfully written. Sending positive energy your way.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 6, 2012 | 11:51 pm

      Thank you!
      I’ll take all the positive energy I can get!

  34. Just Jennifer
    January 5, 2012 | 1:29 pm

    So this is why I was sending you twitter love the other night. I’m glad I did.

    Blog it out, baby!

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 6, 2012 | 11:47 pm

      thank you for your twitter love!

  35. Kimberly S.
    January 6, 2012 | 8:45 am

    This proves you are courageous and strong, and that many support and love you. This is not meant lightly and it’s certainly not a simple task: it will pass. Every moment that you read and write here, every moment that you take another breath, you are saying, “Yes.” I’ve been there, I know. . .I’ve never been to your blog before, but you have me in your corner.

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 6, 2012 | 11:33 pm

      Thank you so much!
      I’m glad you came by and left such a wonderfully supportive comment!

  36. Sarah @ The Fence
    January 7, 2012 | 1:57 am

    I hope that you are feeling less scared and more hopeful. I know what it’s like to be lost in the fog of depression. It sucks. It’s scary. Talking about it with strange docs can be sucky. But know that you aren’t alone. You aren’t by yourself. There are a bunch of people in your corner to back you up and encourage you… add my name to the list.
    Hang in there friend!

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 7, 2012 | 10:42 am

      Thank you Sarah.
      I hate that you know how this feels but I love having your support.

  37. Jenn@Fox in the City
    January 9, 2012 | 11:09 am

    Hey you, you are not crazy . . . well at least not any more than the rest of us. You are struggling right now but, as you have told me so many times in the past, it will get better! I am so proud of you for taking these steps to get better.

    You are strong. You are brave. You are amazing. You are so not alone. I am sending you lots of big squishy virtuals hugs and as much strength as I can spare . . . I think I may have jumped off the crazy train, at least for now, so I actually have some strength to share. 🙂

    • multitaskingmumma
      January 9, 2012 | 1:15 pm

      I am so freakin’ proud of how far you have come!
      Look at you.
      Look at where you are now!
      thank you for your sweet words, for your support, and for your friendship! xo

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