No Emotion on an Emotional Day

Since August we have been slowly planning.

Thinking about colours, music, centre pieces, and invites.

We chose a venue, a DJ, and an officient.

Talked about money, wrote checks, and bargain hunted.

And then the thrill started to fade away.

The darkness that steals my joy and excitement took my ability to focus on what should be one of the most exciting moments of my life.

Med trials, psychiatrist appointments, and getting through one more day became more important than picking a napkin colour.

And the thought of sorting through the piles of business cards, offers, and brochures was too overwhelming.

This weekend my mom, mother-in-law (to be), and best friend are scheduled to go shopping.

For my wedding dress.

I have been waiting for this day for as long as I can remember.

But all I feel is a medicated, emotionless exhaustion. An anger at this depression that won’t go away and confusion with the man who calls himself a psychiatrist but has been no help to me.

My biggest fear is that I’m losing time.

Time with my daughter, with Brian, and with my family.

And that I will be a listless, dull, emotionless lump on one of the most important days of my life.

My wedding day.



iPhone Photo Phun


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78 Responses to No Emotion on an Emotional Day
  1. Lindsay
    February 1, 2012 | 7:36 am

    Girl, your day will be perfect. This is not you.
    I didn’t connect with my first Dr, so I switched. The second, I started feeling better within a few visits – I trusted her. She had been through some of the same things I had.
    You are beautiful, funny, witty, sarcastic and an amazing mom to Peanut and wife to B.
    I’m sorry you feel so badly – maybe the shopping will help bring some of the excitement back. You’ll be actually doing something instead of looking in the books.

    If you need anything, you know where I am. xo

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 7:35 pm

      thank you my sweet friend.
      I think I will go to my next appointment and if I don’t feel the connection then I will request another.
      You might be right, I might feel better when I’m out doing something.

  2. Galit Breen
    February 1, 2012 | 7:40 am

    SO much love to you, my dear friend.

    I’m so glad that you’r writing through this and that all of that love- is there now and will be there when you’re ready.


    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 7:31 pm

      Thank you Galit.
      The support that the blogging community offers is astonishing.

  3. Brianne
    February 1, 2012 | 8:08 am

    You are so incredibly strong! You will win and survive and be STUNNING and eventually look back and say you beat this! You can so do it and you totally deserve all the happiness yet to come!

    On a side note, dress shopping for me was so stressful! I couldn’t tell one end of all that material from the other, so as a piece of advice, try a style of everything before you say no! I ended up not LOVING my dress and I regret it to this day! So try em’ all! 🙂

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 7:28 pm

      Thank you for the advice. I am hoping my mind set changes so that I can find one I love!
      Have you thought about a renewal so you could pick another dress?

  4. Imperfectmomma
    February 1, 2012 | 8:12 am

    Oh the maoist hugs to you. Don’t listen to that evil voice that’s telling you that you will be emotionless. You will enjoy this day. Don’t forget what a major ninja you are. You will kick this funk out of the door and you will see you again.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 7:26 pm

      I do have to remember that I am a ninja. I forget that sometimes, thanks for the reminder xo

  5. Paulette
    February 1, 2012 | 9:04 am


    <3<3<3 You Got This! You are totally working through this by writing through it and that is AWESOME! I am sure that your wedding day is going to be absolutely perfect cause nothing but light, love, and joy will surround you! <3<3<3

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 7:09 pm

      Thank you Paulette! Your support and sweet words are truly wonderful

      • Paulette
        February 2, 2012 | 9:00 am

        You’re so very welcome!

  6. By Word of Mouth Musings
    February 1, 2012 | 9:27 am

    If you could find a way to draw on the love and support that we are all wishing your way.
    You are bigger than this, and so deserving … fight the fight … your BIG day will be here soon – and you will be gorgeous!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 7:08 pm

      You are so very very right!
      I’m going to draw on the love and support that you are all wishing my way.
      I am so grateful to have all of you.

  7. Ali
    February 1, 2012 | 10:50 am

    Hang in there. Thinking of you.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 7:03 pm

      Love you!
      You make me laugh and that’s worth thousands in my book

  8. Rach (DonutsMama)
    February 1, 2012 | 10:59 am

    You’ll get through this. Your day will be beautiful. Honestly, the stress of planning can be no fun sometimes. You won’t always feel this way. You’ll get through this and when your big day comes, you’ll be giddy with joy. Keep pushing through. You can do this.

  9. liz
    February 1, 2012 | 12:07 pm

    You’ll make it through. Peacock feathers, happiness, Brian and all!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 7:01 pm

      The peacock feathers will be my savior

  10. Crayon Wrangler
    February 1, 2012 | 12:15 pm

    You ARE so deserving of this and your beauty that is within you will overwhelm everything else!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 7:00 pm

      You are one of my inspirations!
      I will get through this! (I hope)

  11. Jennifer
    February 1, 2012 | 12:16 pm

    Oh, friend, I am holding out a hand to you.

    Depression is so very hard and exhausting. Please know you are loved.

    Don’t be afraid of delegating as much of the wedding planning to friends & family as you need. It sounds like the most important thing you need is to focus inward & take care of yourself first.

    Big hugs to you!!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:59 pm

      Thank you so much for your support!
      Your post on being a “catcher” and having “catchers” in our lives still resonates with me.
      YOU are a catcher and I am so very grateful for you.

  12. Nic
    February 1, 2012 | 12:16 pm

    Ahhh Honey! This breaks my heart 🙁 I will be right beside you this weekend shopping for that dress! I will do everything I can to bring the joy of this day back to you!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:45 pm

      thank you Nic.
      I’m so glad you will be there with me. xo

  13. Mackey
    February 1, 2012 | 12:23 pm

    <3<3 and HUGS to you fight the fight and stay the course. stop listening to the distractions and only tune your ears to hear the beautiful notes of love and happiness that a all for you. You got this..and if you find no support of relief with Dr. current make them Dr. past and keep it moving with a new Dr.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:44 pm

      thank you for this encouragement!
      I am going to begin looking for a new dr. if my appointment doesn’t go well this week.
      Thanks so much to all of you and your support!

  14. Not a Perfect Mom
    February 1, 2012 | 1:15 pm

    Oh… heart aches for you right now!
    Wedding planning is so stressful to begin with, and if you’re already having anxiety and depression then I can’t even imagine…
    Have you looked into switching doctors? Perhaps you need to find someone you can click with…
    Keep writing and working through it…
    and I know we don’t “know” each other well, but seriously babe, sending hugs and love, and please feel free to email me if you ever need to vent or talk or anything…

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:43 pm

      thank you so much for your sweet offer.
      I have found that the friendships I have made through blogging are friendships I value so much! These are the friends who are here for me when I am at my lowest.
      I am going to look into another dr. if my appointment this week does not go well, thanks for your encouragement!

  15. Miss Marina Star
    February 1, 2012 | 1:25 pm

    I hate that you’re struggling so much right now. You are in my thoughts, I hope you find peace soon.

    Sending you love…XOXO

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:41 pm

      thank you Marina.
      I appreciate your support and love. You are always so sweet to stop by and let me know you’re thinking of me! xo

  16. Life As Wife
    February 1, 2012 | 2:14 pm

    Don’t let this steal your happiness! You deserve to be happy!

    Thinking of you!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:40 pm

      Thank you! I’m taking all of your sweet comments and building myself a virtual support blanket to take with me! xo

  17. Kristin
    February 1, 2012 | 2:43 pm

    I might sound like a broken record but how about simplifying? Less business cards and more time with those you love.
    And get another care provider, don’t waste time with someone who isn’t helping.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:39 pm

      thank you!
      I think you’re right. I feel so overwhelmed with how much there is to do.
      It will all come together. I just have to let go.

  18. Charity
    February 1, 2012 | 2:56 pm

    Embrace the moments you can enjoy. Know that this time can be hard, but it leads to a lifetime of partnership and happiness. I hear you on the fears about being a listless lump. I am actually embracing not feeling anything right now. Time is bittersweet.

    (And I agree, look for a new provider).

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:38 pm

      I know you are struggling Charity.
      You and I are going through the same struggles.
      This road is dark and difficult and some days you just want to give up.
      Thank you so much for being here to support me. I know it’s not easy.

  19. Jessica
    February 1, 2012 | 3:43 pm

    I’m sorry that you feel this way. I hope you are able to start finding some joy in planning your wedding again. But remember, that your wedding is only one day and your life with them is forever.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:36 pm

      Thank you for those words Jessica. That helps put it in perspective and is so very true!

  20. Lady Estrogen
    February 1, 2012 | 4:19 pm

    I’m sorry that this is all so much for you.
    I understand your anger at it all. It should be happy, you are right.

    Poodle. I’d do it all for ya, if I could.

    You can have the wedding night though.. mmmmmk?

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:36 pm

      I so know you would do it for me.
      You told me…
      AND you also told me you wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me.
      For me.

      LOL… I love you like a sista.

  21. Katie E
    February 1, 2012 | 4:39 pm

    Oh, I hope you find someone who can truly help you. And I believe your wedding day will be wonderful.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:35 pm

      Thank you Katie.
      I have told countless others who are struggling that they should change therapists and psychiatrists until they are happy and I think it’s time I take my advice.

  22. Kir
    February 1, 2012 | 5:03 pm

    You know most days lately I feel like this and I worry that I am “just meh” in the middle of ordinary days….but you’ll see that when the day gets closer and you feel all that joy the smiles will come. I promise! It’s ok to feel like you are, it’s normal….and even if the others feelings aren’t normal I know you’ll work through them and be “better”.

    I’m so sorry you are feeling like this sweetie..if there is anything I can do please don’t hesistate to come find me. Xoxo

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 1, 2012 | 6:33 pm

      thank you Kir.
      I love to see you face here and to read your words!
      You are such an inspiration to me and I look to you as the model of someone who has overcome true adversity.
      Thank you for always being such a positive light when I feel like there isn’t any left.

  23. Angie@MamaInsomnia
    February 1, 2012 | 8:36 pm

    Stay strong and keep writing. It’s one of the best (&free) ways to work through it. When the day comes, take a deep breath and give yourself a quiet moment to take it all in and enjoy it. It will all be worth it.
    PS: Love the feathers!!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 9:43 pm

      Such great advice!
      GREAT ADVICE… I’m so going to remember this.
      To take a quiet moment and take it all in.
      Thank you. xo

  24. MommaKiss
    February 1, 2012 | 9:46 pm

    Depression is a beast. An ugly fucker of a beast. Thing is? You’re working on it. Hard.

    Also – a wedding can be a grand, crazy event. But the whole point of a wedding is to get married. You’ll be married to the one you love.

    Let me know if you need a shoulder. Or a thong picture. I’ve got both.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 9:39 pm

      I might contact you about that thong picture.

  25. JamieAnne
    February 1, 2012 | 9:54 pm

    Depression, a frustrating situation indeed. At least, you are addressing it now. Trying to ignore it never really works. I wish for you that things lighten up. How wonderful that you have family and friends that are able to help you with the things that are overwhelming right now. That is truly a blessing.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 9:37 pm

      You’re right, I’m very lucky to have the supports I do.
      I’m grateful for that.

  26. Aubrey Anne
    February 1, 2012 | 10:29 pm

    Hugs and wishes!!! I COMPLETELY relate to this feeling. You will wake up on your big day, I assure you. 🙂 And you will be absolutely beautiful.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 9:36 pm

      Thank you! I feel like I’m getting a bit more excited about the planning.. .I hope it stays that way

  27. Jen Has A Pen
    February 2, 2012 | 8:28 am

    Oh Leeann. 🙁 I’m so sorry. I hope things work out for you quickly. I don’t entirely know what you are going through, but I’m thinking of you and rooting for you!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 9:35 pm

      Thank you! I have faith!

  28. Kimberly
    February 2, 2012 | 10:11 am

    Oh sweets.
    Depression is an asshole. It steals so much from us and clouds everything.
    You are working so hard to kick this in the man meat. It won’t steal what is going to be such a beautiful day in your life.
    Marriage is about love..not fucking napkins.
    Now picking out a cake? That’s where it’s at. Depression doesn’t steal out tastebuds.
    This won’t last forever friend. It’s not going to ruin your wedding.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 11:26 am

      I wish that I didn’t get overwhelmed with all the little shittin’ things that there is to do.
      I did find a dress though.
      I love it and it’s beautiful.

  29. Alison@Mama Wants This
    February 2, 2012 | 10:29 am

    That you have love and friendship – is more important than the actual wedding. I know it’s a big day and important. But don’t lose focus on you, your recovery, your well-being. You have many rooting for you, me being one of them. Love ya. xo

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 11:05 am

      thank you Alison.
      Out of anyone I know that YOU get that love is more important than a wedding.
      Thank you. xo

  30. Teresa
    February 2, 2012 | 10:35 am

    Praying for you, chick. Maybe a day of pampering (mani pedi and a nice book) will help you relax before the big day, and maybe build up some excitement? <3

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 11:04 am

      I was going for regular massages and that was wonderful! Maybe I should get back into that!

  31. Elaine
    February 2, 2012 | 11:12 am

    Can you find a new dr.? I hope you can find someone who can really help you get well.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this at all but especially at this time. I hope dress shopping brings you JOY!


    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 11:03 am

      I’ve been referred to a new dr!! Thank goodness! So now I just have to wait until I can get in to see him/her.
      Huge weight has been lifted!

  32. Mrs. Weber
    February 2, 2012 | 2:28 pm

    Give yourself time, girlfriend. A wedding can wait. As wonderful as it is, it is a lot of work. It’s about the person you’re marrying — not the colors you’ve picked out.

    Overmedicating won’t help either. Are there any other docs who will see you? Sending hugs your way. Keep on using this blog as a healing tool, too. We’re all here for you!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 11:04 am

      I so agree! Over medicating won’t help, and that’s what it feels like they’re doing.
      I have a referral to a new dr.
      Fingers crossed.

  33. Greg
    February 2, 2012 | 2:52 pm

    I really like the pictures. Too bad you aren’t “feeling” happy when I’m sure you are trying. I’ve been through depression before, and it was a hard time for us. The medication never really solves the problem, just kind of makes the world seem flat. You need to experience excitement and things even if there’s a little craziness to go with it I think.

    I went to a clinic as an out patient for a week and the educational part of it was more important than the appointments afterward. I learned relaxation techniques, and how mental illness (for me) is just the way your chemical makeup makes you feel and not associated with real problems. It helps, but also sucks knowing there’s no reason.

    I gave up on meds, but have had to just deal with my worst moments and hope for he best and enjoy the high points. No more quest for perfection or being normal for me. If I seem a little crazy, oh well. There’s plenty of people out there that understand. Everyone else can talk and stare and whatever they want because I’m happy being confused, hyper, afraid, focused, quiet, loud, whatever lol. Nobody even notices really.

    It’s hard getting off meds, serotonin syndrome is no joke. Be careful switching/getting off. I had a lot of problems getting off meds too. I was on some heavy stuff like Zyprexa. Just made me so tired after a while…switching to other stuff made me feel like I never slept.

    Good luck whatever you do. Candy tried Zoloft and it worked for her, but doesn’t take it any more. We just deal with each other, and learn to communicate/forgive/etc.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 11:02 am

      thank you so much for your comment!
      I think I have a long way to go with med trials and working with a new psychiatrist. the one I’m working with now is moving on to a new practice so I’ve been referred on.
      I’m happy about it, I didn’t like him.
      Luckily I have the support of my family dr. and my own family and generally a good sense of what meds I’m comfortable taking.
      I love learning what has worked for other people and the options that are out there.

  34. Stasha
    February 2, 2012 | 11:18 pm

    I tis your day! Do as little or as much as you want. The dress, you will see it and you will know. The wedding is but a day, it comes and it goes. Your love for your husband and family is here forever. Enjoy it.
    And I think most brides feel like this. Unless you go to the court house without planning 🙂

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 11:00 am

      I’m so glad that there are people who have gone through this before and can reassure me that everything I’m feeling is normal and okay.
      Thank you Stasha.

  35. Kelley
    February 3, 2012 | 2:36 am

    Planning for a wedding is totally overwhelming! I think if you plow through the napkin choices & get all of those little things taken care of, a weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you WILL be able to enjoy your wedding, despite the meds!

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 10:56 am

      All of the little things are very overwhelming.. even for a healthy bride.
      I had no idea.
      Thank GOD my best friend loves planning and organizing.

  36. Andrea @ The Penny-Roach's
    February 3, 2012 | 10:46 am

    My heart breaks for you. You will beat this monster. And you will enjoy your wedding.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 10:55 am

      Thank you so much!
      I know I have it in me to get better.. I’ve gotten there before and I’ll do it again.

  37. Sandy
    February 4, 2012 | 9:46 am

    I’ve teared up reading this. Depression is evil the way it’s able to suck emotions away. You WILL get through this but until then I’m sending great big bear hugs your way. I hope those going dress shopping with you understand just a piece of what you’re going through so they can help you through the day. Best wishes for the weekend. x (One day at a time…)

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 10:38 am

      Thank you so much for your kind words.
      I had a great weekend, my family understands what I`m struggling with and are very supportive.
      Also… I found a great dress!

  38. Kimberly S.
    February 4, 2012 | 9:53 am

    This is powerful writing. Your ability to share your feelings here is proof that you are courageous. Don’t give up. Find a new doctor, maybe? It took me a year to get a combination of professionals and meds that worked. It is possible. You are worth it.

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 10:37 am

      He made the decision for me! He`s moving on to a new practice so I`ve been referred to a new psychiatrist… hope I can find a balance soon.

  39. Elena
    February 5, 2012 | 2:41 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now. You’ll get through all of this, it will be a great day – peacocks and all! Hugs to you. 🙂

    • multitaskingmumma
      February 5, 2012 | 9:09 pm

      I’m feeling better now, thanks Elena! I went dress shopping and had a great time!
      I’ll be talking about it a bit over the next week.
      Peacocks and all LOL

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