Since August we have been slowly planning.
Thinking about colours, music, centre pieces, and invites.
We chose a venue, a DJ, and an officient.
Talked about money, wrote checks, and bargain hunted.
And then the thrill started to fade away.
The darkness that steals my joy and excitement took my ability to focus on what should be one of the most exciting moments of my life.
Med trials, psychiatrist appointments, and getting through one more day became more important than picking a napkin colour.
And the thought of sorting through the piles of business cards, offers, and brochures was too overwhelming.
This weekend my mom, mother-in-law (to be), and best friend are scheduled to go shopping.
For my wedding dress.
I have been waiting for this day for as long as I can remember.
But all I feel is a medicated, emotionless exhaustion. An anger at this depression that won’t go away and confusion with the man who calls himself a psychiatrist but has been no help to me.
My biggest fear is that I’m losing time.
Time with my daughter, with Brian, and with my family.
And that I will be a listless, dull, emotionless lump on one of the most important days of my life.
My wedding day.