Thoughts on this New Journey

“You’re hair looks so good!”

I reached my hand up and pulled it through my dark brown strands, gracious for the unexpected compliment.

But instead of sliding through my long locks my hand stopped short against a straight bob.

The strands felt like knives against my skin.

When did I cut my hair?

My mind raced through the previous night’s activities; where had I gone; who had I been with?

I remembered plans with my girlfriend, laughing till my stomach hurt, and a scheduled appointment to get my hair trimmed.

Anxiety washed over me as I tried to find a memory from when I decided to cut all of my hair.

But there wasn’t one.

I shared with Brian and a few close friends what had happened but no one else.

Until I met my new psychiatrist.

He asked me if memory loses and extreme behaviours like that happened frequently, and to describe my feelings. He talked to me about my sleeping habits and moods.

He listened to me.

And he diagnosed me after what seemed like a life time of questions.

I thought after I figured out what was going on with me I would feel better, or relieved but I don’t.

I’m confused.

I’m pissed off.

I’m frustrated.

And I want to turn back the clock.

The truth is I’m having a really hard time accepting this and it’s shadowing my reality. I have not idea what bi-polar means for me, how to control it, and if I’m even comfortable talking about it.

But keeping it in would be even worse.

I want to stop my foot, slam my door, and go to my room with the hopes that my mom will come in and rub my back with reassuring words of support, letting me know that this will all blow over soon.

That in a few weeks I won’t feel like this anymore.

I want to listen to her calm voice and confident words wash over me while she strokes my hair away from my face.

And I want to be 10 again and believe her.

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26 Responses to Thoughts on this New Journey
  1. Alison@Mama Wants This
    April 23, 2012 | 6:16 am

    Thinking of you, my dear friend. xoxo

  2. Amber
    April 23, 2012 | 6:26 am

    I have a friend who as diagnosed some years back. She is doing well, but I know it took time to adjust to the diagnosis. Wishing you all the support and love you need.

  3. Kristin
    April 23, 2012 | 6:30 am

    Do a little foot stamping, sometimes that helps me get the anger out.
    I’m amazed and inspired by your courage. I don’t know very much about bi-polar but I know you will give it a good ass kicking when you’re ready.

  4. Jenn@Fox in the City
    April 23, 2012 | 7:55 am

    Oh hun, big huge hugs! I am so sorry that things seem so dark and so overwhelming right now. You are not alone, please know that.

  5. imperfectmomma
    April 23, 2012 | 7:56 am

    Sending you all my love

  6. Iza Trapani
    April 23, 2012 | 10:08 am

    So good you are talking about it. Try not to dwell on the diagnosis but think of your family and the circle of friends who surround you. You are definitely not alone. I love what Kristin said about the good ass kicking. She’s right!

  7. Julie
    April 23, 2012 | 11:26 am

    Is there a physical activity that would help you work through the therapy as well? Boxing, perhaps?

    Keep working it until it works out, Leighann. And we’ll keep reading and praying for you.

  8. Melanie
    April 23, 2012 | 11:31 am

    Sending you a HUGE hug. You’re going to get through this, for sure. You are definitely not alone. So courageous of you to share and I’m so encouraged you did.

    Know that we’re here for you.

  9. Andrea
    April 23, 2012 | 2:06 pm

    Oh, Leighann. I’m so sorry. That must have been horrible and I send you huge hugs. You’re an amazing person and I know that this cannot be an easy thing to experience, but you are strong and you are loved. You are also incredibly brave to be sharing, as I am sure it was not easy to do that, either. I send you huge virtual hugs and lots of love. xox my sweet friend. I’m here if you need me!

  10. Natalie @MamaTrack
    April 23, 2012 | 2:21 pm

    I’m so sorry. That must be terrifying. If we can do anything to help, at all, please let us know.

    In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Be gentle.

  11. Kir
    April 23, 2012 | 3:11 pm

    Oh my friend, I wish you were here or I was there and I could let you cry and tell it was going to be ok.

    While I was never diagnosed with bi polar, my sister has been (my brother too *sigh* growing up in violence is never ever easy) and so I know how it looks and how good days can be SOOO good and bad days be soooo bad. I’ve also had my fair share of depressions, some lasted for years (Infertility) and some lasted months (my dad dying and me finally accepting it and mourning him more than a year later after a HORRENDOUS breakup) and some just days.

    but through all those dark days, I never lost sight of myself. I need you to do that now, to take your meds and know that just reaching out for help is going to save your life.

    I know it’s not easy and it’s scary. I can only imagine how scared and sad you were to realize that you don’t remember or can’t control your swinging emotions. Honestly, I have terrible anxiety and when I have a bout of it and the fibromyalgia kicks in…my heart racing, my mind racing, I am overcome with not knowing where to turn…so while it’s not the same, I want you to know I empathize.

    you know just writing this out is going to help you, sharing it with all of us makes your burden lighter and I want you to keep doing that, keep giving us some of it to carry. I’m always here to do that for you my sweet dear friend.


  12. Rach (DonutsMama)
    April 23, 2012 | 3:18 pm

    I’m so sorry Leighann. Thank you for sharing and being open and raw. I’m saying a prayer for you and sending you love and hugs.

  13. Kimberly
    April 23, 2012 | 3:36 pm

    Sending you much love and hugs. I’m always here for you.

  14. Lady Estrogen
    April 23, 2012 | 4:26 pm

    Sending you all my best.

    It’s amazing how even now, as old and fat as I am – I still lay on my mom’s lap a couple times a year and have her stroke my hair until I fall asleep.

  15. Galit Breen
    April 23, 2012 | 11:31 pm

    Thinking of you, hugging you (tight) from here.


  16. Leigh Ann
    April 24, 2012 | 12:17 am

    My heart hurts reading this. I’m sorry you’re scared. Know that you have so many who love you.

  17. Brianne
    April 24, 2012 | 7:29 am

    Firstly, sending hugs and a back rub.
    Secondly, your new hair is HAWT (as HouseTalkn would say!). Wishing my ridiculous cowlick wouldn’t prevent me from cute short hair 😉
    Thirdly, you are an amazing mom, person and writer and THIS will NOT DEFINE YOU! Continue to use it as an outlet and keep on keepin’ on!

  18. Ali
    April 24, 2012 | 8:48 am

    You’re going to get through this and every other crappy thing life throws at you. My best friend’s mom and sister are bi-polar and I know how challenging it is for all involved. You know I’m always around if you want a talk. I don’t speak Canadian, but I think I can wing it, eh? 🙂

  19. Jenny
    April 24, 2012 | 8:54 am

    Sending you huge hugs. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  20. Robin @ Farewell, Stranger
    April 24, 2012 | 8:59 am

    Oh honey, I can imagine. Thinking of you. xo

  21. frelle
    April 24, 2012 | 8:13 pm

    thinking of you and getting used to my own new diagnosis and medication and fearing who I can tell. totally understand your anxiety. DM me. *HUG*

  22. Carri
    April 24, 2012 | 8:48 pm


  23. Kindred Adventures
    April 26, 2012 | 1:35 pm

    Sitting at my desk….crying. My heart hurts for you and all I want to do is reach through and hold you tight and hug you. You are in my thoughts and I am hear to listen when ever you need me xoxo -LV

    • multitaskingmumma
      April 26, 2012 | 4:26 pm

      You are the sweetest person in the world. I wish you were close too and we could go for coffee!

  24. Elaine A.
    April 30, 2012 | 3:57 pm

    Oh sweet girl, I’m sorry. I am. I wish there was some way I could comfort you. Just know we are here for you and listening. xo

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 3, 2012 | 9:24 pm

      Your comments are comfort! Thank you xo

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