Bisexual Polar Bears

Since my diagnosis I have been fighting to level out. I have been through a serious adjustment period with new medication and have had difficulty accepting that I am bipolar.

Every time I say it I think of a polar bear.

A bisexual polar bear.

But I am round and I am white.

I have noticed a difference in my energy level and my happiness; I engage others in conversation now and look forward to going out. I spend less time on the internet and more outside with my family; I plan activities.

People are noticing a difference and commenting.

I was happy to hear these compliments at first, excited that I was getting better. But then I started to think about how awful I must have behaved when I was depressed and being treated for the wrong illness.

I thought about how long I was removed for, and what I have missed; what I might miss again.Β  During those months my computer holds less pictures of my family, my journal holds less entries, and I close myself away. I reach out for help less and am not interested in discussing strength or my struggle.

Because I know what the sinking feeling of sadness feels like I dread it’s return.

And am having a hard time accepting the light, free feeling of happiness.

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29 Responses to Bisexual Polar Bears
  1. Alison@Mama Wants This
    May 7, 2012 | 6:18 am

    Oh hon. Just try and soak in the now, the happiness and the light, and stay strong. The darkness may beckon again, but know that you have this light to hang on to, and people who love you. xo

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:59 pm

      YOU HAVE A BABY!
      He’s adorable! How is monkey with him?
      I know I’m supposed to thank you here but I want to know everything!!!
      GAH.

      • Alison@Mama Wants This
        May 10, 2012 | 10:06 pm

        Don’t worry, all will be told! In summary, Monkey loves the baby and adjusting well to not being the only child. So far, so good!

  2. Lance
    May 7, 2012 | 6:48 am

    I’m a little angry with you. I had a Bi-sexual anxiety Bears post in my que. Oh well, you snooze you lose.

    seriously, it warms my heart to read you’re doing well. whether its bi-polarity or social anxiety disorder, accepting our mental illness and making our lives work is superhero-like.

    wanna start an crazy Avengers crime fighting team?

    good for you, keep going strong

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:58 pm

      As mentioned in my email previously, I await said post.

      Looking forward to it.

      Also?

      In regards to the crime fighting team?

      I’m in.

  3. Paulette
    May 7, 2012 | 8:04 am

    Oh ((((HUGS)))) darling friend! Don’t look backward but forward. I know how hard it must be. Just know there’s plenty of people who love you in one way or another. I do find your reference to the polar bears funny. Never in a kajillion years would I have thought of that. πŸ˜‰

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:57 pm

      Oh! you are my favourite in the world! Seeing you always makes me happy

  4. Kimberly S. (Sperk*)
    May 7, 2012 | 8:09 am

    “The Unbearable Lightness of Being”– my favorite novel. Your post articulates why. Although the plot is not the same, the theme is similar. Love your brave transparency. I have no answers–know I hear you. (There are no polar bears in the aforementioned book). πŸ˜‰ Love to you!

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:56 pm

      You speak with such eloquence.
      thank you for your lovely comment…that I sometimes read in a british accent.

  5. Lisa Duggan (@motherhoodmag)
    May 7, 2012 | 10:46 am

    Found you through a link from Kimberly S. Glad I did.

    I truly think we could use regular mental health screening days in this country. IMO, they would do more to help than yearly physicals. My mother could have used an accurate assessment, and treatment, of her depression when she was struggling with it, and three kids under five.

    I wish you the best on your journey. The image of the bi-sexual polar bear is awesome and I will carry it with me forever, now.

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:55 pm

      You’re so right! Regular screening would help tremendously!
      Better care for those people who live in shelters and assessing why they return to the streets would also help.

  6. Rach (DonutsMama)
    May 7, 2012 | 11:02 am

    I’m sorry. I really am. You write a lot about how I feel–afraid to be happy and really enjoy b/c you’re so scared to crash & be disappointed. I hate that feeling for us both.

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:53 pm

      You and I have a lot in common.
      Thats why we’re friends!!
      BUT we’re both going to get through this crap… I’m certain

  7. Kimberly
    May 7, 2012 | 2:03 pm

    I know that it must be so hard, but try to live in the now. Know that even if the darkness comes again you still have this light, and all of us, to help you through.

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:53 pm

      I’m so glad I found blogging.
      You guys seem to get it.
      Thanks Kimberly

  8. Nikky44
    May 7, 2012 | 4:11 pm

    I am living each moment at a time. Thinking of tomorrow makes me anxious, afraid. I try to live now. HUGS

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:52 pm

      GREAT ADVICE… I’m going to try this.
      Although.. if I’m in hypomania I might end up spending all of the money because I’m not thinking about tomorrow.
      OYE.

      • nikky44
        May 11, 2012 | 1:18 am

        hummm!!
        I don’t have money, so no worries my side πŸ™‚

  9. Kimberly
    May 7, 2012 | 5:41 pm

    This is why I love you.
    Bi-sexual polar bears.
    I know it’s easier said than done but think of only today….the current moment…except if it is a shitty moment then go ahead and look forward…you could think of peencocks in your hair.
    xoxo

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:51 pm

      I want them to be renamed PeenCocks.
      I want them to be the national bird.
      I want the Prime Minister to wear one on his head.

  10. Jill @ Mommy Inconsistent
    May 7, 2012 | 5:56 pm

    This reminded me of a quote my Mom used to say…maybe it was embroidered on a pillow…anyways, it’s this:
    “Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, Thats why it’s called the Present”
    I know, cheesy. But true. Sounds like you are doing well today and that’s what counts. The past is the past.
    Take care!

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:50 pm

      Not cheesy! A good reminder.

  11. Anonymousmomma
    May 7, 2012 | 8:12 pm

    Dude! I totally thought of the same thing when I was first diagnosed. okay, not really. When I first heard of it I did…and still to this day. I knew I liked you for a reason. And before I was diagnosed I try not to think about.

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:49 pm

      I didn’t think I was alone in that thought! Someone else HAD to of had that mental picture!

  12. Jen @WorldMomsBlog
    May 7, 2012 | 9:54 pm

    You deserve happiness, Leighann! I’m so happy that things are feeling better for you. I’m sure there are women who are having more difficulty trying to find balance. Embrace it!

    Rooting for you,

    Jen πŸ™‚

  13. Galit Breen
    May 7, 2012 | 11:07 pm

    I so love what Jen wrote above – I’m rooting for you in whatever part of your journey you’re in.

    Do you her that? Happy or sad or polar bearish -ahem- I’m here.

    xo

  14. story
    May 8, 2012 | 6:59 am

    I’m so glad you’re doing better, and I understand regretting and grieving all the time that you weren’t. I think that’s normal and perfectly okay. But hopefully you can also take pride in where you are now and how hard you’ve fought.

    • multitaskingmumma
      May 10, 2012 | 9:48 pm

      You are so wise! I do appreciate where I am now, and you’re right, looking back I can see how far I’ve come and how hard I fought… I’m proud of my journey.

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