Taboo or Not… I’m Talking About It

It’s been 14 days since the loss of our baby was confirmed.

In that time I cried, yelled, shook, slept, medicated, cried, bargained, begged, wrote, cried, researched, and pitied.

I balanced on the fine line between grief and depression, unsure of which side of the line I was on, scared to sink too low.

I felt incredibly alone, guilty, and angry with my body.

This was the one thing it was supposed to be able to do and it didn’t.

It was after a week in bed, and the encouraging words from sweet friends who had been there, that I came to realize that miscarriage is still a taboo subject.

Miscarriage.

It’s a horrible word.

And some people will never understand the impact it has on a woman or her family, or the emotional rollercoaster a woman will go through after experiencing the loss of a baby.

The minute a woman finds out she is pregnant she is in love.

Her body doesn’t stop changing from that second, making her instantly aware of her baby. Her sense of smell is heightened; hormones change breast size and complexion; her uterus can be felt stretching through ligament pain.

It’s a miracle even in its most uncomfortable moments.

There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t know she’s creating a life, and should that tiny baby be taken away she loses a piece of herself too.

She questions her ability to give life, and every other pregnancy after that will be a rollercoaster of wonder and doubt.

The guilt that follows the loss is horrendous and crippling; it keeps a grieving woman awake at night re-playing her pregnancy and what she could have done differently.

Friends pregnancies are celebrated but painful, a reminder of the baby that never was.

Days and months lighten the grief but it never goes away, it just becomes manageable.

That tiny life that wasn’t “viable?”

It was already born in the woman’s eyes.

There were plans being made, names being thought of, a room painted, clothes sorted, strollers picked out, and so much love already given.

It was her child.

And she will always grieve her loss.

Because she was already a mother.

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28 Responses to Taboo or Not… I’m Talking About It
  1. AnnMarie
    October 26, 2012 | 7:59 am

    I’ve been there and it hurts. A lot. I’m so sorry you experienced such a great loss. I’m so sorry that you belong to a club that no one ever wants to be a member of. You are not alone and if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:48 pm

      thank you for this.
      I’ve been told that this is a club no one is interested in.
      BUT it helps to talk to women who get it.

  2. Jenn@Fox in the City
    October 26, 2012 | 8:58 am

    I love you hun. People are always uncomfortable when I mention my own miscarriage . . . like it is something I should just let go of, move on from, because “obviously there was something wrong with it”. Talk about it. Be open. Share the pain because it helps to talk about it . . . to make the baby that is so real to real, real to everyone else so that they understand how you are feeling. I am here for you!

  3. Kir
    October 26, 2012 | 9:27 am

    I love you. More than you can ever imagine.

    your voice is valuable and your loss is real. I am so so sorry for it and wish you comfort as your grieve the dream of this child. I know, all too well what that feels like.

    thank you for always using your voice, for always speaking for those who can’t. It makes you exceptional.

    xoxoxo

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:47 pm

      You always make me feel like what I’m doing is worth it.
      Thank you for that.

  4. Alison
    October 26, 2012 | 9:37 am

    Oh honey, I’m so, so sorry. I did not know. Love you and holding you in my heart. xo

  5. Rusti
    October 26, 2012 | 10:44 am

    oh sweets. I am so, incredibly sorry for your loss. I wish I could do something to help… anything… sending so much love and prayers your way. *hugs*

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:41 pm

      you showing your love is the perfect amount of doing something.
      Thank you!

  6. Robin | Farewell, Stranger
    October 26, 2012 | 10:57 am

    So beautiful, Leighann, and so sorry you have this story to tell. But good for you for telling it. xx

  7. Joy
    October 26, 2012 | 12:34 pm

    I found this link through a friend’s facebook page, and I am glad that I read it. Thank you for having the courage to talk about this issue:)

    I have a five year old daughter and a two year old daughter, and in between them, over four years ago, I miscarried a baby boy at 16 weeks. So I know first hand, unfortunately the pain you feel. There have been many days since then, even after the birth of another child that I have been gutted by the pain of the loss. My healing continues and time does heal some, but there will always be the scar. I found for myself, in the years that followed, that any time I had a loss or a failure in life, I viewed it through the lens of the miscarriage and I’ve had to work through that…I’m still getting there.

    But it is true what you say about taboo. Or maybe not taboo so much as a disconnect. Afterwards, people would say to me, oh so and so had that happen, but they weren’t sure if they should talk to you about it. Um, yah! So if we survivors can’t even talk to each other about it, how can we expect others to? We all grieve differently and I think we are afraid of ours looking different than others. On a broader scale, I think people are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing. And what I really wanted, and needed, was people to acknowledge that it had happened. To acknowledge that that life happened. That it was something…even if something elusive that was never really seen or heard.

    Don’t stop expressing yourself. It will bring comfort and healing. After mine happened, I wrote poetry and prose to remember. I took up a new hobby to channel my energies and emotions into, to use it as a blessing for others. But we all are different and have to find our own way.

    Thank you for sharing. The only way to break a taboo is to talk. Keep talking.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:41 pm

      Your comment means so SO much to me.
      Thank you for sharing your story and for validating my feelings.
      It’s been a hard road and one I never ever expected to be on.
      I had no idea the loss would be this hard and expressing my feelings throughout this has been difficult.
      Connecting with other women has been beneficial and healing.

  8. Megan (Best of Fates)
    October 26, 2012 | 12:36 pm

    I’m so very sorry – sending virtual hugs.

  9. TT
    October 26, 2012 | 12:42 pm

    You are so right, the pain never goes away it just gets easier to deal with, November 9, 2005. I lost my baby Taylor, I will never forget. In God’s arms always,

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:39 pm

      There’s so words for how much I love you.
      You’re part of my life for a reason.
      Remember?
      No such thing as coincidences

  10. Lindsay
    October 26, 2012 | 12:44 pm

    Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. Sending you love and sharing this with a dear friend that is going through the same thing. Thank you for baring your soul.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:38 pm

      That makes my heart so full that you are sharing this.
      xo

  11. Teresa
    October 26, 2012 | 12:57 pm

    I have seen my friends go through this. I am crying for you. This post was so beautiful and deep. Thank you for sharing this. I’m praying for you guys.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:38 pm

      thank you Teresa.
      xoxoxox

  12. Sarah @ The Fence
    October 26, 2012 | 2:18 pm

    I hate that you have experienced such a loss.

    The words you’ve found to express the hurt are beautiful even if it aches to string them together.

    I wish I could do something to shoulder the pain for you. Know that I care for you and am here if you need anything. xoxo

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:37 pm

      Your sweet words and thoughtfulness means so very much.
      Thank you. Thank you for this.

  13. Lady Estrogen
    October 26, 2012 | 2:27 pm

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I know exactly how you feel and the grief that envelops you for so long. I’m always here, darling.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:36 pm

      I hope you know how much your friendship means.
      You’re one of a kind!

  14. Jenny
    October 26, 2012 | 2:45 pm

    Leighann, sending you my love & support. So sorry for your loss. Holding you in my heart.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:36 pm

      thank you sweet Jenny xo
      I needed that today

  15. Leigh Ann
    October 28, 2012 | 11:26 am

    I’m so, so sorry. The pain must be immeasurable. A dear friend of mine lost her pregnancy and had to watch 3 of us all deliver our babies — 1 that was due 4 days from when hers should have been. I can’t imagine how hard that was for her and for you. I wish I could snuggle under that blankie and give you a huge hug.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:35 pm

      Thank you Leigh Ann.
      You are always one of my biggest supports.
      xoxoxo

  16. Jackie
    October 29, 2012 | 1:09 pm

    I am so sorry that you have had to go through this… it really is one of the worst things in life to suffer. It was something I couldn’t imagine until it happened to me and it’s something that I wish didn’t. There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about what might have been…
    Know this… you are not alone and there are many of us who you can reach out to for love, support, someone to listen, or just to sit with you.

  17. Both Where They Should Be | Multitasking Mumma
    November 18, 2013 | 11:53 am

    […] But something felt wrong. […]

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Taboo or Not… I’m Talking About It

It’s been 14 days since the loss of our baby was confirmed.

In that time I cried, yelled, shook, slept, medicated, cried, bargained, begged, wrote, cried, researched, and pitied.

I balanced on the fine line between grief and depression, unsure of which side of the line I was on, scared to sink too low.

I felt incredibly alone, guilty, and angry with my body.

This was the one thing it was supposed to be able to do and it didn’t.

It was after a week in bed, and the encouraging words from sweet friends who had been there, that I came to realize that miscarriage is still a taboo subject.

Miscarriage.

It’s a horrible word.

And some people will never understand the impact it has on a woman or her family, or the emotional rollercoaster a woman will go through after experiencing the loss of a baby.

The minute a woman finds out she is pregnant she is in love.

Her body doesn’t stop changing from that second, making her instantly aware of her baby. Her sense of smell is heightened; hormones change breast size and complexion; her uterus can be felt stretching through ligament pain.

It’s a miracle even in its most uncomfortable moments.

There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t know she’s creating a life, and should that tiny baby be taken away she loses a piece of herself too.

She questions her ability to give life, and every other pregnancy after that will be a rollercoaster of wonder and doubt.

The guilt that follows the loss is horrendous and crippling; it keeps a grieving woman awake at night re-playing her pregnancy and what she could have done differently.

Friends pregnancies are celebrated but painful, a reminder of the baby that never was.

Days and months lighten the grief but it never goes away, it just becomes manageable.

That tiny life that wasn’t “viable?”

It was already born in the woman’s eyes.

There were plans being made, names being thought of, a room painted, clothes sorted, strollers picked out, and so much love already given.

It was her child.

And she will always grieve her loss.

Because she was already a mother.

Thank you for SharingTweet about this on TwitterShare on StumbleUponShare on LinkedInShare on Google+Share on FacebookEmail this to someonePin on PinterestShare on Tumblr

Related Posts:

28 Responses to Taboo or Not… I’m Talking About It
  1. AnnMarie
    October 26, 2012 | 7:59 am

    I’ve been there and it hurts. A lot. I’m so sorry you experienced such a great loss. I’m so sorry that you belong to a club that no one ever wants to be a member of. You are not alone and if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:48 pm

      thank you for this.
      I’ve been told that this is a club no one is interested in.
      BUT it helps to talk to women who get it.

  2. Jenn@Fox in the City
    October 26, 2012 | 8:58 am

    I love you hun. People are always uncomfortable when I mention my own miscarriage . . . like it is something I should just let go of, move on from, because “obviously there was something wrong with it”. Talk about it. Be open. Share the pain because it helps to talk about it . . . to make the baby that is so real to real, real to everyone else so that they understand how you are feeling. I am here for you!

  3. Kir
    October 26, 2012 | 9:27 am

    I love you. More than you can ever imagine.

    your voice is valuable and your loss is real. I am so so sorry for it and wish you comfort as your grieve the dream of this child. I know, all too well what that feels like.

    thank you for always using your voice, for always speaking for those who can’t. It makes you exceptional.

    xoxoxo

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:47 pm

      You always make me feel like what I’m doing is worth it.
      Thank you for that.

  4. Alison
    October 26, 2012 | 9:37 am

    Oh honey, I’m so, so sorry. I did not know. Love you and holding you in my heart. xo

  5. Rusti
    October 26, 2012 | 10:44 am

    oh sweets. I am so, incredibly sorry for your loss. I wish I could do something to help… anything… sending so much love and prayers your way. *hugs*

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:41 pm

      you showing your love is the perfect amount of doing something.
      Thank you!

  6. Robin | Farewell, Stranger
    October 26, 2012 | 10:57 am

    So beautiful, Leighann, and so sorry you have this story to tell. But good for you for telling it. xx

  7. Joy
    October 26, 2012 | 12:34 pm

    I found this link through a friend’s facebook page, and I am glad that I read it. Thank you for having the courage to talk about this issue:)

    I have a five year old daughter and a two year old daughter, and in between them, over four years ago, I miscarried a baby boy at 16 weeks. So I know first hand, unfortunately the pain you feel. There have been many days since then, even after the birth of another child that I have been gutted by the pain of the loss. My healing continues and time does heal some, but there will always be the scar. I found for myself, in the years that followed, that any time I had a loss or a failure in life, I viewed it through the lens of the miscarriage and I’ve had to work through that…I’m still getting there.

    But it is true what you say about taboo. Or maybe not taboo so much as a disconnect. Afterwards, people would say to me, oh so and so had that happen, but they weren’t sure if they should talk to you about it. Um, yah! So if we survivors can’t even talk to each other about it, how can we expect others to? We all grieve differently and I think we are afraid of ours looking different than others. On a broader scale, I think people are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing. And what I really wanted, and needed, was people to acknowledge that it had happened. To acknowledge that that life happened. That it was something…even if something elusive that was never really seen or heard.

    Don’t stop expressing yourself. It will bring comfort and healing. After mine happened, I wrote poetry and prose to remember. I took up a new hobby to channel my energies and emotions into, to use it as a blessing for others. But we all are different and have to find our own way.

    Thank you for sharing. The only way to break a taboo is to talk. Keep talking.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:41 pm

      Your comment means so SO much to me.
      Thank you for sharing your story and for validating my feelings.
      It’s been a hard road and one I never ever expected to be on.
      I had no idea the loss would be this hard and expressing my feelings throughout this has been difficult.
      Connecting with other women has been beneficial and healing.

  8. Megan (Best of Fates)
    October 26, 2012 | 12:36 pm

    I’m so very sorry – sending virtual hugs.

  9. TT
    October 26, 2012 | 12:42 pm

    You are so right, the pain never goes away it just gets easier to deal with, November 9, 2005. I lost my baby Taylor, I will never forget. In God’s arms always,

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:39 pm

      There’s so words for how much I love you.
      You’re part of my life for a reason.
      Remember?
      No such thing as coincidences

  10. Lindsay
    October 26, 2012 | 12:44 pm

    Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. Sending you love and sharing this with a dear friend that is going through the same thing. Thank you for baring your soul.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:38 pm

      That makes my heart so full that you are sharing this.
      xo

  11. Teresa
    October 26, 2012 | 12:57 pm

    I have seen my friends go through this. I am crying for you. This post was so beautiful and deep. Thank you for sharing this. I’m praying for you guys.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:38 pm

      thank you Teresa.
      xoxoxox

  12. Sarah @ The Fence
    October 26, 2012 | 2:18 pm

    I hate that you have experienced such a loss.

    The words you’ve found to express the hurt are beautiful even if it aches to string them together.

    I wish I could do something to shoulder the pain for you. Know that I care for you and am here if you need anything. xoxo

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:37 pm

      Your sweet words and thoughtfulness means so very much.
      Thank you. Thank you for this.

  13. Lady Estrogen
    October 26, 2012 | 2:27 pm

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I know exactly how you feel and the grief that envelops you for so long. I’m always here, darling.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:36 pm

      I hope you know how much your friendship means.
      You’re one of a kind!

  14. Jenny
    October 26, 2012 | 2:45 pm

    Leighann, sending you my love & support. So sorry for your loss. Holding you in my heart.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:36 pm

      thank you sweet Jenny xo
      I needed that today

  15. Leigh Ann
    October 28, 2012 | 11:26 am

    I’m so, so sorry. The pain must be immeasurable. A dear friend of mine lost her pregnancy and had to watch 3 of us all deliver our babies — 1 that was due 4 days from when hers should have been. I can’t imagine how hard that was for her and for you. I wish I could snuggle under that blankie and give you a huge hug.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 28, 2012 | 9:35 pm

      Thank you Leigh Ann.
      You are always one of my biggest supports.
      xoxoxo

  16. Jackie
    October 29, 2012 | 1:09 pm

    I am so sorry that you have had to go through this… it really is one of the worst things in life to suffer. It was something I couldn’t imagine until it happened to me and it’s something that I wish didn’t. There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about what might have been…
    Know this… you are not alone and there are many of us who you can reach out to for love, support, someone to listen, or just to sit with you.

  17. Both Where They Should Be | Multitasking Mumma
    November 18, 2013 | 11:53 am

    […] But something felt wrong. […]

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Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL http://www.multitaskingmumma.com/2012/10/26/taboo-or-not-im-talking-about/trackback/