I’ve finished my holidays.
I feel like one hundred puppies are crying inside my soul.
For two weeks we slept in, hung out in our pajamas, built towers, watched movies, put together puzzles, played in the snow, ate candy too early in the morning, and enjoyed each other.
It has taken a long time for me to really connect with my daughter and feel like a mom; to feel that overwhelming love that starts in your toes and bursts right from your heart, making it impossible to look away from the person you created.
I’ve waited to have confidence in my parenting and to know that I deserved to be a mom.
I’ve gone back to work missing her every minute.
I have a new love for my child and see a little girl emerging from the toddler she just was; a brilliant, well spoken girl who loves trains and Barney, can count to 40, and hates pickles; an independent child who is stubborn like her mother and caring like her father.
My new feelings of connect and appreciation might be a new layer of PPD disappearing, or a piece of bipolar breaking off; it could simply be confidence in my parenting building, but whatever the reason for the clarity I’m grateful, and am appreciating my gift like I never have before.
Leighanne, you spoke right to my mama heart. Going back to work was so rough this year. I truly enjoyed my holidays even the New Year’s Eve spent with the in-laws. I hung out with my girls, my nieces and my nephews once I was social enough with the adults.
This post warms my heart. Isn’t it amazing to watch these toddlers become little people?
You made my day! Thank you so much for this comment! I am always so grateful when someone understand where I’m coming from xoxoxox
you’re a great mom, a wonderful , amazing, super duper mom. Your baby girl knows that..and so do I.
xoxo
Love you big time Kir! Hope your big day with the boys is going GREAT! xo
So proud of you. It’s hard to be confident with ourselves as parents, but being aware and taking the time to really watch our children grow can be a big help. I’m glad you had that time to connect.
That’s so amazing!!
And you look radiant in that pic with your little lady
I was just thinking about you today… and wondering if you got your new hat
it took me a long time too, everyone says that they immediately have that bond the first time they see their baby, for a long time i thought there was something wrong with me (which, technically i guess there was) and i was SO relieved when one day i realized that i FINALLY knew what they were talking about.
YES!! that’s how I feel! I’m so glad someone can relate and understand
oh, i TOTALLY relate, it sort of happened without me even noticing!
I miss my holidays… I want them back
You deserve to feel that special bond with your girl, that you’ve always had, but was robbed of early on. So glad you know it now.
thank you Alison…
you’re one in a million.. you really are.
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful post. Indeed, we can never be sure of ourselves as parents. I too often find myself doubtful as to whether I am doing the right things to, with and for my children. Thankfully, I have a husband that reminds me that I do not have to be a perfect person to be a great mother.
what a lucky woman you are to have such a supportive husband. Mine tells me the same things.
You need to give those crazy pics the Andy Warhol treatment and hang that shit up on the wall. Your face is awesome.
She can count to 40? Uh, wow. WOW.
I hope work is going well for you – and remember that holidays come around again!
I never thought to Andy W my pics!!
Hope you’re feeling awesome mama
You and I went back to work the same time. I remember seeing you posts and thinking I’m not alone. It is a wonderful pain that like you said takes overvyour body and goes from head to toe. It is wonderful because it reminds us how much we love, connect with out children and how much motherhood means to us. It hurts though and I can completely relate to your pain. I read this and have a huge smile as I put my hand over my heart and say awww to myself because this moment is a moment for all working moms. We all struggle with the gut wrench but your gut wrench is special because this is a new moment for you, your daughter and your relationship with her and I am so happy for you!! xxoxoxo
Your comments always make my eyes swell with tears.. I want to reach through the computer and hug you.
You’re a sweet friend and I love you.