“Do you want me to lay with you?”
Even in the dark I could see her stubborn blond hair gathered in wisps around her face and her little girl body curled into a warm grey blanket snuggled tightly beside her favourite stuffed animal.
“No, just hold my hand.”
I reached for her hand and held it in mine, reminding myself that it was good for her to not need me beside her, she needed her independence; the ability to go to sleep on her own; the security of knowing I was there but she was big enough to do things by herself.
Sitting at the end of her bed I watched her chest rise and fall, and remembered all of the nights spent rocking back and forth praying for sleep to come. I closed my eyes and could picture the rocking chair in the corner of the room where I sang the same song night after night, over and over, waiting for her breathing to become rhythmic and calm.
I could feel her weighted body in my arms while we swayed around the room, both of us crying, both of us new and unsure of where we fit, and neither one of us willing to give up.
Opening my eyes, I placed my hand on my daughters back feeling the slumbering rise and fall of her sleep. She was growing up fast. It could be seen in her language, her play, her questions, and through her blossoming independence that she was becoming a big girl.
And through a happy sigh I realized that no matter how many nights she went to sleep just holding my hand, or how many times she slept without waking, there would always be that mommy in the corner slowly rocking her baby and singing a song.
you just made me cry at my desk, in my cubicle. I’ve been thinking about this all week. I know that it’s time for me to help my daughter sleep on her own (her little brother does it) but I don’t know if I would be able to sleep without her beside me. Her little chest going up and down, her thumb, wet from sucking, falling on my cheek… i don’t want to give up our cuddles. i don’t think i will ever forget those first nights, my world rocked, trying to figure it out…
Oh I so know what you’re talking about! We coslept with our daughter for the first two years of her life and then switched her to her own bed but still laid beside her until she fell asleep. It was more for us than her.
I miss her beside me but I know it’s important for her.
Oh, Mumma! This is one gorgeous post that had me tearing up and remembering when our little one had to be tucked in, just so, like a burrito, at least half a dozen times before he fell asleep. You capture, the mixed bag of emotions as we comfort and let them go amidst our worries, love, and exhaustion. Thanks, Liz
I knew one day I would look back on this and see her tucked in her bed alone and I would be happy I did my job but I didn’t realize it would be so soon.
So beautiful. Even as adult, I reach for my mother’s hand.
yes! my mom is the person I need when I need to be comforted.
Beautiful. Perfectly captured, perfectly written.
that means so much coming from you Jen!
So very sweet!
thank you shell!!
So sweet!
Thank you so very much
This is so very beautiful! I’m not a mother, but I can feel the love and all the emotions that go along with it as I read this.
Sometimes, I want to curl up in bed with my kids, or snuggle the toddler even if he doesn’t need it. It all goes too fast.
So beautifully written. So perfect. They sure do grow up fast, but they will always be our babies.
This jerked a tear for me. Those moments are so precious, and no matter how big they get, we’ll always be there. So beautiful.