In My Back Pocket

I carry something in my back pocket as a “just in case.”

I thought everyone else did too.

I believed that every morning we all got up, washed our faces, brushed our hair, put on our make up, got dressed and tucked this away as our security.

Because we might need it.

One day.

But not everyone does.

Not everyone tucks a back-up plan in their pocket or their purse every day.

Even on the good days I keep by back up plan close.

The ones that are full of happiness, laughter that hurts your ribs, and dancing in circles till we all fall down.

I keep mine where I can slide my hand over it, feel its rough surface and jagged edges; its size so small but secrets so big.

The weight of its existence becoming heavier when the days seem bleaker; when my chest is tight and it hurts to inhale.

I know if I reach into my back pocket I have my escape.

And I will breathe again.

But it won’t be with my family and it will be a permanent decision.

One that I have made from the fog of my Mental Illness.

These are the battles that I fight daily.

Understanding Mental Illness means understanding that some of us suffer from suicidal ideation.

It’s real.

And it’s scary.

Talk about it, it’s okay to ask about it.

Question behaviours or decisions, get interested, and be present.

Reach out.

You might save a life.


Today is Suicide Prevention Day.

Educate yourself and take action.

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4 Responses to In My Back Pocket
  1. Robbie
    September 10, 2013 | 2:39 pm

    Such an important message!

  2. Jessica
    September 10, 2013 | 5:43 pm

    Such an important post and so brave of you to always share your life so honestly to help others. xo

  3. Lady Estrogen
    September 10, 2013 | 9:43 pm


  4. Kir
    September 11, 2013 | 1:31 pm

    sweet, wonderful girl. You brave, amazing girl. THANK YOU for your honesty and your presence in our world. XOXO

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