Before I begin let me start off by saying I adore all of my friends, online and off, who have had children, are expecting children, and are attempting to have children, but this isn’t about that. This is about something much deeper.
This is about it being October.
A month I used to love but now loath.
It’s been one whole year since I said goodbye to a baby I would never meet. Although I didn’t grow a big round belly or feel kicks, I didn’t get to see my child via ultrasound or hear a heartbeat, I still connected to the tiny pea that was growing inside of me and wanted so very much to experience the pregnancy I had waited for.
Now we are struggling.
Month after month, disappointment after disappointment, I congratulate friends and family as they welcome babies, announce pregnancies, see two pink lines, and pick out baby clothes.
This isn’t about my having a healthy, stunning, smart, wonderful child already. I know that. I embrace that. I love her with all of my heart and give her my attention, my love, and could not imagine my life without her.
This is about a piece of me missing.
This is about jealousy.
The green monster that takes over my entire body every time I hear “congratulations,” “it’s a girl,” “we’re expecting.”
It’s the pull on my heart when I see baby bump pictures, complaints of pregnancy woes, and the love a woman has for her unborn child that shines through her words posted for us to read.
This is about my own battle.
With my weight, my PCOS, and my head.
This is about me.
It’s about a loss I have yet to understand.
It’s about loving, grieving, and moving on but not forgetting.
It’s about falling to the floor, crumbling in a heap, and crying over frustrations that I can’t manage.
I know that one day I will be the one writing about my moment to celebrate and asking for congratulations. But for today I sit in stillness and see green. I’m embracing this feeling and understanding that this is part of the process.
This isn’t about rushing, denying how I feel, or hiding my feelings.
It’s not about wishing on a star.
This is about healing.