Relaxing quietly, reading a book.. and then BAM!
S: Mom, how does a baby get out of your belly?
Not this again please, please, please! Make it go away! I’m not ready, I haven’t studied enough, there aren’t enough meds on the planet to prepare me for this moment, please re-direct easily.
Me: The doctor takes the baby out and then wraps it in a beautiful blanket, and the mommy hugs the baby, and you were beautiful honey mommy loved you the minute she saw you.
Please work, please work.
S: But how does the baby Get Out?
Today is the worst day of my life.
Me: Honey, by the doctor, I just told you that, and then there is a blanket, and beauty, and love… remember?
I’m sweating, it’s hot in here.
S: OH NO! They cut your belly open don’t they? They cut your belly open and they TEAR the baby from your belly and then your belly is open!
Me: No doll, some mommies have their babies cut from their bellies but mommy didn’t.
S: I knew it! Your belly explodes and the baby comes flying out!
Me: Nope, sorry sweetie, no explosives are used to get babies out.
S: So then there’s a door on your belly and the door opens and the baby walks out and then the door closes?
A little door would have saved me a lot of time.
Me: Sit down, babe.
This can’t be happening. I wish I had a drum roll. I need a sedative. Do I just say it, should I build up to it? Screw it.
Me: You came out of mommy’s vagina.
S: NO I DIDN’T *rolls on floor, flips over onto stomach, yells, plugs ears, rolls around, jumps up and down.
S: Out of your BUM?! *sticks bum out, points to it, falls on floor again.
Me: No, vagina.
This is way better than I could have imagined. This is freeing, wonderful, exciting… tee hee. The hidden side of parenting, the part where we make our children squirm.
S: I’m NEVER having a baby.
Thank you sweet Lord.
Me: If you have any more questions you can come to mommy anytime and ask. This isn’t for you to spread around to your friends, this is something you speak to mommy and daddy about.
Me: Any more questions?
S: Can I have a drink box?