Last week the world got a little brighter, things were a lot crisper, and my energy was incredible.
I was the funniest person you had ever met.
My creativity was flowing, I had endless things to talk about, and was feeling social.
I had also missed four days of one particular med and didn’t tell a soul.
I was riding the high and didn’t want to come down.
I hadn’t felt mania in a very long time so maybe this wasn’t it, maybe I didn’t need this med anymore and this is what normal felt like.
Maybe normal was extereme purchases, dying my hair, a racing brain, inability to fall asleep, and the urge to clean every inch of my house.
Normal might be the confusion of too many thoughts at once, bright colours, noises that get too loud, and over stimulation.
That’s not normal.
And I had a very good friend remind me of that when I confessed to her that I had stopped a med and was feeling a little too fantastic.
But I wanted so badly to just ride it out.
I missed the high energy feelings, the desire to engage with everyone I met, the all around love of everything.
But what goes up must come down.
And I didn’t want the down.
The suicidal ideation, the depression, the lonely, lost, deep sadness.
My friend reminded me I had come too far.
And I had.
So I went back on my meds.
It’s that easy to get off track.
So easy for our brains to convince us that we’re okay and we don’t need something that we desperately do.
It tricks us into thinking we’re fine now that we’ve been on the med for a long time, or that a temporary break won’t hurt us.
Mental illness isn’t something that just magically disappears.
It takes hard work, check in’s, and a solid support system.
Routine, reminders, and people you can count on to tell you the truth.
It takes a fighter.
So keep fighting.
Talk about how you’re feeling, even when you think it’s pretty freakin’ awesome.
It might be a sign that something’s off.
Open up to friends and family.
Write it out.
And never… ever.. stop the fight.