Why October Hurts

I sat on the bed and went through the basket I had pulled down from the top of the closet. Items I hadn’t seen in some time, many put up there because they had no other place, others because I didn’t want to see them anymore.

Soothers that had been taken away by the “meme” fairy, pictures of a 1-year-old, phone chargers that didn’t fit any of our phones, and then a shirt I had forgotten about until I placed my hand over its green fabric.

“Big Sister”

My heart jumped.

Two years ago this month.

October will always be bittersweet. A month filled with warmth, falling leaves, beautiful colours, and the promise of upcoming holidays, but filled with so much sadness.

The month I said goodbye to a developing new life.

The pain sits in my heart waiting, I know it’s there, I can feel it every time I see a newborn, every time I pass the baby section, and each time someone asks me, “when are you having another one?” I work through it with the knowledge that I have a beautiful daughter who I love more than anything in this world and I am blessed.

But in October that strength seems to crack.

I remember the sense of guilt I felt when we were told we had miscarried. The feelings of hopelessness, the anger, and the sense of loss.

I remember hating everyone for their condolences because how could they possibly know what it felt like to lose something I was connected to physically?

I remember the ache in my heart.

October hurts horribly.

Running my hand over the folded shirt, two sizes two big for our daughter when we bought it but a perfect fit for her now, I tuck it away and slide it back into the closet.

One day it might not hurt so much.

But there will always be a piece of my heart missing.

Thank you for SharingTweet about this on TwitterShare on StumbleUponShare on LinkedInShare on Google+Share on FacebookEmail this to someonePin on PinterestShare on Tumblr

Related Posts:

14 Responses to Why October Hurts
  1. Robin @ Farewell, Stranger
    October 14, 2014 | 9:30 am

    Oh honey. So hard. Thinking of you!

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 15, 2014 | 8:24 am

      Thank you, Robin xoxoxo

  2. Southern Angel
    October 14, 2014 | 9:40 am

    My nephew and his wife lost their second baby at 20 weeks. A normal appointment to get checked turned into an emergency delivery. The pain is always there, the memories still linger. It’s ok. You have a right to them and don’t let anyone else let you believe otherwise.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 15, 2014 | 8:24 am

      Thank you so much for your sweet words. It always makes me feel a little bit more human when someone can relate. I hate to hear of their pain but I also can connect.
      I am thinking of them.

  3. Lyla Jackson
    October 14, 2014 | 10:03 am

    Painful memories can be real assholes. They like to surprise us when we are not expecting it. I’m sorry that yours are back for a visit. And I’m sorry that you are hurting.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 15, 2014 | 8:23 am

      oh my sweet friend.
      You’re so right, they really can surprise us. This year went by so fast and the WHAM! It was October again.

  4. Claire Chadwick : Mum's Closet
    October 14, 2014 | 4:32 pm

    So sorry to hear. Such a brutal experience for us Mummies.
    Keep smiling and loving.
    C x

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 15, 2014 | 8:23 am

      It’s an underlying pain that just kind of sits there.
      You’re right, it’s brutal.
      Thank you so much for your comment. xo

  5. Carrie Baughcum
    October 15, 2014 | 5:15 am

    Memories connected so deeply to our heart…I think never go away. They heal and hurt a lot less but life or memories remind us of those moments and it still twinges of pain. Don’t be ashamed of it. Don’t dismiss it. It is yours and it is ok to have. The pain will pass. I am so sorry for each time you have to feel it. Big super long huge virtual hug XOXXOXOO

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 15, 2014 | 8:22 am

      thank you so much, Carrie. I need to just be in this moment and feel the sadness. I will take your virtual hug at this moment. xo

  6. Kimberlu
    October 15, 2014 | 7:05 am

    You know I love you.
    I’d kill ants for you.
    Ants who look like ninjas.
    Yes, because I love you.

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 15, 2014 | 8:21 am

      thank you for killing ants for me. Could you come and kill the flies that have infested my house since the sudden warm spell? I’ve been sucking them up with the vacuum but it doesn’t seem to stop them.

  7. Jen
    October 19, 2014 | 12:13 pm

    I am sending you so much love and grace to just sit with that hurt. Hugs. xoxo

    • multitaskingmumma
      October 24, 2014 | 10:05 am

      Thank you so much, Jen. I’m working through it.

Leave a Reply

Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL http://www.multitaskingmumma.com/2014/10/14/why-october-hurts/trackback/