Just Fake Smile

She wrapped her arms around me and held on longer than I would expect a co-worker to; her face a mixture of “I’m sorry,” and “I don’t know what to say so maybe I’ll hug you again.”

Just as predicted her arms reached out for me again.

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I pushed back, reassuring her that I was okay. My Christmas had been fine, I was glad to be back, and the break had almost been too long.

Wordswordswords

Lieslieslies.

Trying to save face when the truth is I actually cried the majority of my holiday’s, sat in the same spot on the couch, and gained 15lbs.

Because depression for this cat equals food.

I looked back at my time off and I saw a blob that couldn’t move from the space she created, a nest of sadness covered by a gray blanket, and chocolate wrappers spread around like bird seed.

And each hug took me back to the failure I felt like.

“Move on!” is what I wanted to yell. I don’t want to re-live this anymore. I want to start fresh.

But I’m not a mover on-er. I’m a storyteller who relives the sadness, the worries, the stress, and the anxieties. I paint the picture seven different ways to make sure I didn’t miss something and experience the feelings all over again.

The words, experiences, fears, dreams, losses, and the hugs stay with me.

No matter how much I try to shut them out.

What I went through with this loss was painful, I feel numb and not ready to come back to life.

But here I am.

Trying my best at life, giving what I can, and feeling like I’m taking on water with every wave.

Just fake smile and remember to laugh at the funny parts.

Maybe I’ll take that extra hug now.

 

 

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2 Responses to Just Fake Smile
  1. Jenn
    January 7, 2015 | 9:01 am

    I so wish I could take this pain away from you but I just can’t. Know that I am thinking of you and I understand all to well the pain you are feeling. Huge hugs and a gentle reminder to be kind to yourself because this just sucks.

  2. Jen
    January 7, 2015 | 4:47 pm

    Thinking of you. Sending you love.

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