Capturing Grief

On October 15th 2012 I had my first miscarriage. It was a pain I have never experienced in my life, one that I can’t equate with anything else, and a memory that holds tight. I was certain I would never feel that kind of loss again.

Then, on December 12, 2014, I had my second miscarriage.

I felt like I had been dropped down a dark hole. Why was this happening to me again? I had so many unanswered questions and blamed myself and my body for my inability to protect my babies.

I found the most comfortable spot was the corner of the couch, curled up under a blanket getting lost in my own head, angry with God, myself, and weighing out whether I should give up.

I don’t think the pain of this loss ever goes away.

Time doesn’t always heal all wounds.

I am reminded every time I see a pregnant woman, every time a friend announces their pregnancy, each time they give birth, and with every picture of their beautiful child. I am reminded when fall arrives and when Christmas comes. My heart aches each time my daughter asks for a sibling and why she doesn’t have one.

But I don’t want to push my memories away either.

I don’t want to pretend they never happened.

They did. They were real.

It was a friend of mine, Jordan, who pointed out a beautiful picture one day that captured the very thing I had been looking for to preserve the memory of my child, living, and my children, not living.

So I contacted my very talented friend, Tracey Clarke of Tracey A. Clarke Photography (I am receiving nothing from this, I just love her and think she does amazing work) to see if she could assist in making my memories a reality.

She said she could.

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This was a very important project for me. It brings together the family that I know is there in my heart. The children I know that I have and that I think about so often.

It connected my daughter with her siblings.

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This project brought something that can be so dark into the light and filled me with so much happiness. To see those children acknowledged means more to me than I ever thought it could.

Thank you, Tracey for your amazing photography, and for capturing my memories, my grief, and my family perfectly.

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3 Responses to Capturing Grief
  1. Nic
    October 26, 2015 | 8:22 am

    LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!! Xoxo

  2. Jordan
    October 26, 2015 | 8:29 am

    The pictures turned out perfect! You are a cute little family and I’m thankful to know each and everyone of you! I am glad I have been a part of your journey in life, through the good and the bad. Thankful for life long friends. xo

  3. Trish
    October 26, 2015 | 8:44 am

    This is quite possibly the most beautiful thing I have seen…..ever. She should offer this as a service. I don’t know if she could ever fit our whole family in..but it would be a beautiful moment for sure. I am so glad you have some visual validation. Love u

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