Why Not Me?

Starting at the blank screen in front of me I can feel the words that want to escape but will them back, there isn’t an appropriate time for them and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

But the overwhelming sense of sadness and frustration that comes from finding out a friend is pregnant when you suffer from secondary infertility and wanted nothing more than a baby yourself, can be heartbreaking.

Even if you have come to terms with the decision, shared and sold the clothing, high chair, baby bottles, and numerous other items, the feeling of inadequacy, the torment, and the feelings of desperation all come back with a vegence.

Of course you wish your friend well, think positive thoughts for her and want the best. But inside you feel resentful for all of the things you couldn’t have, you want to know why that couldn’t be you, and you are confused with the outcome. What did you do wrong?

Why not me?

The anger and darkness come in waves, reminding you of the worst days spent in bed crying over infertility. The feelings are brought back and the emptiness crawls through your veins. Thinking positive helps, you have a family who loves you and your friends are supportive, of course she is supportive, you’re lucky to be blessed.

But why couldn’t this news be for you?

Why did infertility touch your life? Why are there no more babies for you?

The pain in your chest throbs and you hold back tears and remind yourself that you have one child and are grateful for her. You think of her and smile, she makes your world a better place.

That doesn’t make the pain go away but it makes you appreciate what you have.

The hole in your heart remains.

And always will, even though you’ve made the decision to stop trying.

Every pregnancy, announcement, birth, and baby will bring back the reminder that it isn’t yours.

Your turn has come and is over.

But the desire will always remain.

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