Closure…tied up

Why did you do this? Why didn’t your husband do this? He’s weak! He’s selfish! He’s afraid! He doesn’t support you!

No. 

Wrong. 

Ultimately the decision to have my tubes “tied” this past week (although this is far from what happens and if that is what truly happened it would have been much more pleasant) was mine. 

But why? Don’t you want more babies? What if? All the what ifs! It would have been easier for your husband! Don’t you want to give your daughter a sibling? 

No. No. No. 

I have been through hell and back. 

We have been through hell and back. 

A hell that very few people have been to. One that you can not just “think happy thoughts” to get out of, or go for a walk to clear your head and snap back from.

PPD after my daughter lasted at minimum two years and lead into a Bipolar diagnosis that will remain with me (us) forever. I was immersed into the darkest places I have ever gone and wasn’t sure I would ever come out. 

Suicide felt like my only option. 

Disclosing this plan to my family made the pain on their faces terrifyingly real and I felt ever more alone. 

Having another child would mean potentially stepping back into a darkness I fought excruciatingly hard to get out of. 

It would mean dose changes, potential med changes, the risk of suicidal ideation returning, and putting myself at a very high risk. Putting my family at a very high risk.

We have also suffered two miscarriages. The weight of those loses sent me through a tailspin of emotions, grief, and feelings of failure.

For me this surgery was closure. 

Yes, babies are cute and cuddly and smell delicious and mean new beginnings. 

But not in my life directly. 

I can love them from afar. 

My mental stability, family, child, and life are so much more important than selfishly bringing another person into the world because society says my daughter “must” have a sibling. 

No. 

She is enough.

We are enough.

And I am enough.

Thank you for SharingTweet about this on TwitterShare on StumbleUponShare on LinkedInShare on Google+Share on FacebookEmail this to someonePin on PinterestShare on Tumblr

Related Posts:

Cheater Cheater Netflix Watcher!

I dimmed the lights and hushed the butterflies in my stomach. I knew what I was doing was wrong but the rush sweeping me off my feet was worth it. I rapidly set the mood with the hopes of not disturbing the perfect atmosphere, grabbed a light snack and drink, then went to get into…

Looking for Gloom and Doom?? Netflix has you Covered!

My daughter is at a weird age right now. She loves cartoons but also is kind of getting into the tween shows that make you want to stab yourself in the eye at first, but once you watch a few you realize you’re dedicated to the characters and want to watch even when your child…

Reflecting on Social Media and Teens

Being an adolescent wasn’t easy for me, I went through puberty in the 90s before the internet, makeup tutorials, hair straighteners, and cover up that matched your skin tone. While I was going through the unfortunate phase of growing out my mushroom cut perm my friends and I owned our new blemishes, bad hair days, and…

Bring on the Jolly!

Christmas is three days away. I says pardon? Did you say three? Seriously, my pay check needs to sort it self out around this time of year and get on track with when the Baby Jesus makes his arrival because my lack of funds is putting a cramp in gift buying. There are also two…

Shugaa Free? Who me?

I went to my Doctor recently. No, this time I did not take my daughter and she did not Snap Chat my lady bits. I went to her in order to discuss my weight, something that has plagued me my whole life. I wanted my Doctor to give me a quick fix. To shine a…

Yes My House Does Look Like This – No I Don’t Care!

Recently, while in the midst of kitchen renovations, bathroom renovations, ceiling renovations (why didn’t we burn the house down?) a friend of my husbands came over. Note: I was not home… Lawd a Mercy he is lucky. It was the picture of perfection. Four laundry baskets in my living room, a barbie bathing pool in…

A Letter To My Younger Self – #Streamteam

This month Netflix has released some amazing new shows and we are reminiscing with some old revivals. Shows like Jessica Jones, Chelsea Handler, The Crown, Orange is the New Black, and of course, Gilmore Girls. All strong female leads, empowering story lines, and inspiring characters. If you could go back in time and inspire yourself…

It’s a Gilmore Girls Revival with Netflix!

All through my formative years it was Lorelai and Rory, their fast talking, mother/daughter relationship surrounded by supportive friends and family that would have me sitting in front of my television wishing I could find a space between them, downing copious amounts of coffee, not suffering from anxiety when I heard them speaking so fast, and…