Just when I thought the feelings had dissipated and I might be on the mend a flash of a baby’s hand and a sweet foot came across my computer screen and I was swept away, back to December when my heart was torn from my chest and I was left disappointed, heartbroken, and lost for the second time.
I thought I had finally found a place where I was content with our decision to be one and done, accept that it wasn’t happening for us, and love all up on the child that we do have.
But the vision of the tiny baby swaddled sweetly close to its mother sent me into a place I hadn’t been in a long time.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, clicking away from the image but still letting the emotions wash over me.
It wasn’t fair.
Nope, it wasn’t.
I wanted so badly to be buying baby blankets, preparing a nursery, looking at sleepers, and feeling my daughters hand on my growing belly.
But reality is harsh.
And reminders are everywhere.
So for that moment I let myself sink into grief for what I didn’t have. I appreciate what I do have but I needed to feel the loss for that minute. I needed to let myself feel the heartbreak, let the shattered pieces fall, and stare off into space for a little while.
And I did.
Because sometimes life just plain sucks.
And it’s okay to feel it.